Louis Van Gaal: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t

Van Gaal makes some hair-raising comments.

What he said:

“When you see what Huth is doing to Fellaini, that’s a penalty. Shall I grab you by your hair? What is your reaction when I grab your hair? Your hair is shorter than Fellaini but, when I do that, what are you doing then? It’s a reaction. Every human being who is grabbed by the hair, only with sex masochism, then it is allowed but not in other situations. They did it. They did it several times I think.”

Manchester United’s manager Louis Van Gaal can be quite surreal with his statements to the English press.

The Dutchman defended Marouane Fellaini’s elbowing of Leicester’s Robert Huth during their 1-1 draw on Sunday with the above statements moving to pull the questioning journalist’s hair.

What he really meant:

“Hair-pulling is quite a provocative act. A footballer who pulls his opponent’s hair deserves to be elbowed. I’d like to see you elbow me when I pull yours. Isn’t that bloody natural?”

What he definitely didn’t:

“That was the Hair of God and God’s elbow!”

Salman Khan: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t

Salman Khan would rather be a walkabout at Rio.

What he said:

“Since I can only participate in the Olympics if walking were a sport, isiliye main woh hoon jo gaadi ko piche se dhakka de sakta hai  (I’m that vehicle that can push from behind).”

Salman Khan is unperturbed about the controversy on his appointment as the Indian contingent’s Goodwill envoy to the Rio Olympics.

Describing his duties as ambassador, he said:

“I want to charge up the players and see how they are progressing. If we can increase our medal tally compared to last year, it would be great. When that happens, the infrastructure, diet, coaching and other facilities get better. Pehle (ambassador) nahi lekar aaye thay toh theek hai, par ab jab kisi ko lekar aaye hain toh (earlier the players never had an ambassador but now that they do have one ) the players should be encouraged. “

What he really meant:

“I don’t really have a sport and walking’s really not my style either, I’ll be that ambassador who leads the charge from behind—for a change.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“An ambassador is a man (or woman) who lies abroad for his or her country. Look at me, I’m doing it right here—for myself and Indian sport. ”

Ben Stokes: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t

Ben Stokes is not comforted by nemesis Carlos Brathwaite’s shirty request.

What he said:

“[Carlos] Brathwaite came and asked me for my shirt at the end, which was pretty strange, looking back on it. You’ve just whacked me and now you want a shirt? I didn’t really need to ask him [for his]. Can’t imagine what I’d use it for. A duvet maybe?”

Ben Stokes gives up his shirt as well to Carlos Brathwaite besides four hits out of bounds.

What he really meant:

“What?!!! You’ve clubbed me for four sixes in a row in a World Cup final and you want the shirt of my back too???!!!”

What he definitely didn’t:

“ Was that a not so subliminal message from Carlos to switch to another sport like soccer, perhaps?”

Sania Mirza: What she said, really meant and definitely didn’t

Sania Mirza works out.

What she said:

“Strong is sexy. I don’t think very skinny is attractive. I think healthy, strong and muscular is extremely attractive.”

Sania Mirza is not confused. She’s a tennis player first and then anything else or everything else.

The Indian tennis diva says:

“I have the kind of body that no matter how much weights I lift, I don’t look muscular – not that I have a problem with anyone looking muscular. I don’t bulk up, I don’t have that body shape or type, which is not a good or bad thing, it is what it is. Tennis is my first priority. If I don’t have tennis, I don’t have anything else. I don’t think anyone wants to photograph me if I’m not playing well. Tennis requires me to have a certain level of fitness and strength, and I’ll do everything I can to get there.”

What she really meant:

“Strong is beautiful. Isn’t that the WTA tag line for their promotional video. Can I say otherwise?”

What she definitely didn’t:

“I wonder why tennis players don’t come in ‘petite’ anymore.”

Kobe Bryant: Hero Villain

—Kobe Bryant.

Kobe Bryant, Lakers shooting guard, stands ready to shoot a free throw during Tuesday nights pre-season game against the Golden State Warriors. Bryant was essential in bringing together a large point gap late in the second quarter, after the Warriors took the early lead. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ravi Shastri: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t

Ravi Shastri is no Mad Hatter.

What he said:

“When the moment is important, Ravi Shastri is the last one to back away. So if you’re asking if my hat is in the ring, it is in there. Maybe three hats!”

Ravi Shastri’s tenure as Team India director has ended. He and his team— Sanjay Bangar, Bharat Arun and R Sridhar—have done a creditable job following Duncan Fletcher’s departure.

When asked if he’d be up for the job of the new team coach, the former left-arm spinner and right-hand bat responded:

“I have had a discussion much earlier with the Board on as to where things should go, and how. At the end of the day, they are my employers. They are the ones who are going to make the decision. So whatever I have grasped in these 18 months, I have let them know.

See, it is a very challenging job. It has been a very enjoyable job. It is a very important moment in Indian cricket.When the moment is important, Ravi Shastri is the last one to back away. So if you’re asking if my hat is in the ring, it is in there. Maybe three hats!”

Talking about Team India’s performance, Shastri is against change for its own sake.

He said:

“Look at our performances in the last 18 months. We are ranked 2, 2 and 1 in the three formats. And that can’t happen if you have people within the system who are not interested in the game. If, by any chance, it was the other way around, you would have heard from me straight.”

On how he handled coming into the fray as Team Director:

“I want to cut across barriers and come straight to the point, which is communication and trust. For me, that was the first nail I had to put in. I always believed they were a terrific side. They were low on confidence and they were probably not approaching the game in the right way, the way it should be played when you consider the talent they have.

Those were the two areas you had to focus on, and you kept things simple. You said, let’s hit those areas first, let’s get the trust, let’s get the communication going. Let’s get the work ethic better, where there’s no shortcut. It might take time, it might take three to four months before we are back to winning ways. And then you know things will fall in place. But what I saw was a transformation that was quite immediate. I didn’t expect that. But then again, it’s why I jumped in, because I knew there was huge talent there.”

What he really meant:

“I’m all for continuing as team coach. My record speaks for myself. And I’m always up for the challenge. It’s certainly something I enjoy doing more than commentating!”

What he definitely didn’t:

“Speaking of myself in the third person, now, that’s something I never did on the microphone. And I’m all for three hats: Commentator, Manager and Team Coach. To hell with conflict of interest , I’m Superman!”

Carlos Brathwaite: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t

Carlos Brathwaite is lost for words but not expletives.

What he said:

“”That was amazing man, I wish I could use some expletives on TV to really express how much of a top knock that was.”

West Indies’ final over hero in the T20 World Cup final, Carlos Brathwaite , is all praise for his senior partner Marlon Samuels who held the innings together with a stellar 85 off 66 balls.

Brathwaite said:

“It’s us against the world and someone needed to take responsibility. And today Marlon Samuels after a slow start took responsibility and played a fantastic knock. That was amazing man, I wish I could use some expletives on TV to really express how much of a top knock that was. He did it in 2010, and I knew if Samuels was there in the end, he’ll bring us home in 2016. It was a matter of when and not if.”

The 27-year-old backed his skipper Darren Sammy’s emotional outburst against the West Indian Cricket Board (WICB) saying:

“Most of the nations have more resources than we do, but we have natural talent. It has been said we don’t have brains, that we don’t harness our talent, that we do things off the field that contribute to poor on-field success. But I just want to say being around these guys, that everything we do on and off the field is for the betterment of West Indies, not just the team but also cricket and the region in general.”

On the final over against England’s Ben Stokes:

“It was a little nerve-wracking to be honest, I just tried to stay focused, use my cue words, watch the ball and take some pressure off Marlon. It would have been too hard to give him a single and expect him to do it all. I just had to bite the bullet and try to get a couple of boundaries, which fortunately I did, give God thanks for bringing it home for the people in West Indies.

After the third six I just backed myself, go hard, if it goes in the air I knew Marlon would finish it but I knew I had to be there as close to the end as possible. We continued to back ourselves, back our strength and our strength is hitting boundaries. Once we knew it was manageable we knew we could do it.

I just want say a special mention to everyone in Sargeant’s Village, my family, my friends and especially to Mr Errol Edey, the master bat-maker from the Caribbean.He made this special beauty for me to use in the World Cup and he told me, ‘Carlos, go out there and smash ’em’. Erroll, I did, and now we are world champions.”

What he really meant:

“I’m rendered speechless by the sense of occasion. Would expletives do instead?”

What he definitely didn’t:

“Hey, Virat, can you teach me a few of those choicest Punjabi and Hindi abuses, my maan?”

Does the IPL even deserve Harsha Bhogle (or Gavaskar)?

Harsha Bhogle is being missed.

That’s what tweeting followers and the man himself would have us believe.

It’s true, I guess.

While Bhogle is always entertaining, always suave, always smooth and always different from former players turned microphone wielders, the IPL  is not where he has the best impact.

It’s bizarre but while he’s missed, he’s not. There are just too many things to distract television viewers.

The BCCI, in all its wisdom, dropped Bhogle and the other wise man of Indian cricket, Sunny Gavaskar from its list of approved commentators.

While there’s been an uproar about Bhogle’s sacking , there’s been nothing said about Gavaskar’s exit. Probably because the great man was earning more—much more—than any of the other commentators and it could be explained away as a cost-cutting measure.

Bhogle’s absence, however, has the conspiracy theorists out in full force.

Amitabh Bachchan photographed by Studio Harcourt Paris Français : Amitabh Bachchan photographié par Studio Harcourt Paris Harcourt Paris (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Bhogle got on the wrong side of Amitabh Bachchan whose tweet questioning the nationalistic credentials of Indian commentators was enthusiastically endorsed by Mahendra Singh Dhoni.

And Bhogle’s comments during India games have ired the Indian dressing room.

It’s strange, really.

These speculations would have been more believable had N Srinivasan still been heading the BCCI. Dhoni was purportedly his blue-eyed boy.

But those days are past or aren’t they?

And why is it that the BCCI still decides who should commentate on India games?

Can their ‘employees’ really provide unbiased views about their paymasters? That’s hardly credible much as Ravi Shastri and his ilk might protest otherwise.

Ravi Shastri, former Indian cricketer. 4 Test series vs Australia at Adelaide Oval (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It would be best if broadcasters were to select and pay cricket experts themselves.

Why have cricket boards have any say in the matter?

Viewers, too, shouldn’t have to second-guess the experts.

Roger Federer: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t

Roger Federer totes up Francesco Totti.

What he said:

“It’s a good joke, but there’s some truth in it because, in a certain sense, we belong to another species.”

Roger Federer is feeling his age as he jokingly responds to a reporter’s query whether he and the 39-year-old Roma star, Francesco Totti, should be provided protection by the World Wildlife Fund (WWF).

He added:

“Francesco and I embody our respective sports. What he has done for football is unrivalled. He’s an example, a contemporary icon.

No one should tell you when to stop, it’s such an intimate and personal decision.

If he wants to keep on going, I’m right behind him. With me, he’s always been super nice. This year, if I see him, I’ll be asking him for some restaurant tips.”

Totti’s employers are still undecided whether to offer the icon an extension—a record 24th year at Roma.

The Italian is the second-highest ever goal scorer in the Serie A notching up 244 goals. The all-time record holder is Silvio Piola with 274.

What Federer really meant:

“Us ageing superstars of sport—we’re an endangered species , relics of another age. We’re dinosaurs, really.”

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What he definitely didn’t:

“Totti, myself and Po—we’re Kung Fu Panda 3.”

Anthems: The IPL makes music for fans and players

Sports is entertainment.

Music is entertainment.

And always the twain shall meet.

Right from songs performed at opening and closing ceremonies to stadium songs, music and sports co-exist to create harmony and melody.

Even Sachin Tendulkar was never without his headphones when not on the playing field or in the nets.

And let’s never forget the national anthems.

IPL 2016 has begun. Theme songs for the eight sides occupy prime time on television as a precursor and sideshow to the bawdy spectacle.

The following are the anthems of the eight teams in this year’s edition of the Indian Premier League: