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humor

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Mithali Raj: What she said, really meant and definitely didn’t


Mithali Raj dresses up her reading:

What she said:

I just know I have a lot of time to read in the [dressing] room.”

Former India skipper, Mithali Raj, is insouciant about no longer leading the women’s T20 side. 

What she really meant:

What is this waiting if full of care?  I have loads of time to read and dare.”

What she definitely didn’t:
Cricket is cerebral and so am I. A match made in heaven. Book me!” 

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Ravi Shastri: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t 


Ravi Shastri traces a bullet. 

What he said:

“There’s a bit of Sachin there, there’s a bit of Viru there, and when he walks, there’s a bit of Lara there!”

Ravi Shastri, the Indian head coach, can’t stop gushing about latest boy sensation, Prithvi Shaw, and his exhilarating debut against the West Indies at home. 

What he really meant:

“Shaw bats like a dream. He’s a kaleidoscope of the bright colours of Tendulkar, Sehwag and Brian Lara. He’s my rainbow.” 

What he definitely didn’t:

Why did I omit Viv Richards in this comparison? Kohli wouldn’t permit me. That’s why. He insists that sobriquet’s exclusive to him.” 

K L Rahul: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t


What he said:

“My mother gave me a bar of soap. She told me to go wash it off and not act like a kid. I was 16 years old. She thought my tattoo was a Boomer [chewing gum] sticker.”

K L Rahul describes his mother Rajeshwari’s reaction to his first skin etching. The Karnataka batter was speaking to comedian Vikram Sathaye on his podcast, Viu’s What the Duck 3.

What he really meant:

“While tattoos rock my world, they don’t impress my mother in the least. She’d rather lather me instead.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“Hmm… So who could my agent  approach next? Makers of Lux, Liril, Lifebuoy or Dove? Tattoo removal creams? That’s branding of a different kind, innit?” 

Tim Bresnan: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t


What he said:

“In the past five or six years we’ve just done it like a Chinese parliament.”

Tim Bresnan, former England seamer, reacts to his appointment as vice-captain of Yorkshire’s country cricket side.

Yorkshire have not had a deputy leader  for a few seasons now.

Former captain, Andrew Gale, is the current coach and Gary Ballance the newly appointed skipper.

Bresnan said:

“Gary phoned me and said, ‘I’ve got to ask you something, mate, would you be vice-captain for me?’

And I was like, ‘Yes, I’m over the moon’.

It was a bit of a shock because we haven’t really named one over the past few years; it just came out of the blue.

I never even thought that Gaz would be having one.

It does make sense, though, if he gets called up for internationals.

I’m immensely proud, and it will be great to work with him and Galey. I’ll just do whatever is required of me.

Pretty much everyone in the team is in the senior leadership group as it is.

In the past five or six years, we’ve basically just done it like a Chinese parliament.

We’ve talked through anything that was going wrong and how we were going to improve as a collective, and we’ve done everything as a group really.

There’s never been any sort of group within that which has sat down separately to discuss things.”

What he really meant:

“Yes, we ran the side based on consensual authority with collective responsibility. That’s how Parliament works, doesn’t it? And we had no real opposition, hence, we’re obviously Chinese.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“I guess I’m Mike Pence to Yorkshire’s Ballance. That Trumps it all, doesn’t it?”

English: Tim Bresnan playing for Yorkshire

Tim Bresnan playing for Yorkshire (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

English: Vice Captain Sports logo

Vice Captain Sports logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Xherdan Shaqiri: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t


Xherdan Shaqiri offers Puma some business advice.

Xherdan Shaqiri

Xherdan Shaqiri (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What he said:

“I hope Puma don’t make condoms.”

Switzerland’s Xherdan Shaqiri made the most cutting remark of the evening when he said the above following the shredding of four team-mates’ jerseys during a group game with hosts France at this year’s European Cup.

Admir Mehmedi, Breel Embolo, Blerim Dzemaili and Granit Xhaka all lost their shirts—literally—in their goalless draw in Lille.

Xhaka had to change shirts twice.

Former England World Cup hero Gary Lineker was equally scathing on Twitter indicting German industry.

This is not the first time the Swiss encountered problems with their Puma tees.

Breel Embolo lost his top in a friendly against Montenegro.

He said:

“We have had a few problems with the jersey. The kit manager is not fully ready yet, but we are.”

Puma responded:

“There was one batch of material, where yarns had been damaged during the production process, leading to a weakening in the final garment. This can happen, if the combination of heat, pressure and time is not properly controlled in the manufacturing process. All federations have confirmed that they never had any such issues and are very happy with quality, functionality and design of their jerseys.”

Puma supplies shirts to Austria, Czech Republic, Italy, Switzerland and Slovakia.

Its home rival Adidas was  also targeted when its ‘Beau Jeu’ ball designed especially for Euro 2016 burst open in the same match.

Adidas said:

“We are looking into what happened. Incidents of this nature are extremely rare.

The reason for the tear has not yet been identified, but Beau Jeu [the tournament ball] has been widely praised by respected experts for its contribution to the exciting start to the tournament.”

What Shaqiri really meant:

“A tear—at the wrong time—makes nine.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“I’ll opt for double protection the next time I play—I’ll wear two jerseys instead.”

K L Rahul: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t


Baby name elicits stares from women bystanders.

What he said:

“We were at airport and I said, ‘Baby, grab my bag’, two women started staring at us.”

Royal Challengers Bangalore opener and wicketkeeper K L Rahul recounts an unusually hilarious anecdote about his left-handed teammate Sachin Baby.

What he really meant:

“Was I looking at you,  ma’am, when I said that? Was I, ma’am, was I? Owww!”

What he definitely didn’t:

“Baby, don’t Blush when I call you by name.”

Kane Richardson: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t


Kane Richardson powers down the grass on ‘greens and beans’.

What he said:

“When we go out to field and I’m standing at point, they ask me if I’m going to start eating the grass or not. “

Kane Richardson, South Australia and Royal Challengers Bangalore pacer, has turned vegan with a vengeance.

Terming the perception that a fast bowler has to “eat meat and drink alcohol” a stigma, the Aussie said:

“I didn’t want to eat animals. I challenged myself to stick to it, I guess it’s a diet but it’s not really a fad, it’s something you believe in.

I’ve done it for a year and-a-half, two years now but over this pre-season I’ll probably challenge myself to go vegan (a person who does not eat or use animal products) and train hard and see if I can do it and perform in four-day cricket.”

Richardson still enjoys his beer though.

He added:

“I’ve watched a lot of documentaries on it, and whether it’s right or wrong, I don’t know if that can be sustained the way people are gorging through food.Especially in Australia, we’re pretty spoilt with what’s available.

It’s just something I thought long and hard about and tried to change and have stuck to it since.

It’s just something I had to change with all the injuries that I had.

I did a lot of research on it. If it’s something that’s going to help me play for longer than I’ll definitely try it.

I’ll be vegetarian the rest of my life, it’s whether I can go full vegan, that’s the question.”

English: Peter Siddle, at the SCG vs. South Af...

Peter Siddle, at the SCG vs. South Africa in January 2009 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Peter Siddle is the other Australian bowler who embraced vegetarianism.

Richardson said:

“I know Sidds (Peter Siddle) is the same, he’s quite big into that.

He’s got a platform in the media and he can try and help the way people treat animals, especially in India, it’s quite tough to see.”

What he really meant:

“My teammates can’t tell wheatgrass from any other kinds of grass—including weed!”

What he definitely didn’t:

“I’d chew the cud if I weren’t clever enough to carry veg snacks in my trouser pockets  such as raw carrots and fresh mini-tomatoes.”

David Warner: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t


English: Australian cricketer David Warner

Australian cricketer David Warner (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

David Warner breakfasts like King Kohli.

What he said:

“Well, i am eating the same breakfast as Virat Kohli. I think it is all about being consistent and about keeping my mind fresh.”

David Warner is quite competitive with his text messaged war of words with Virat Kohli mirroring their battle for the Orange Cap in the Vivo IPL.

He added:

“It was a vice versa about the orange cap for being the highest run-getter. He texted me the other day, saying he’s coming for the orange cap – and my reply was, i am going to come back and get it off you.”

Warner also elaborated on abstaining from alcohol:

“Look, it’s been almost a year now since i stopped drinking alcohol. I will complete a year on May 20. My wife was pregnant at that time and i thought, why not go the whole nine months without drinking too. It was just to give myself a goal, something to achieve away from cricket. I have been fortunate enough to do that so far.

Once i get to the one-year mark, i will see what to do. I might keep not drinking or i might drink, who knows.

But it’s not about drinking. It is about giving myself the best opportunity to recover and to play cricket.

I have two daughters and a fantastic wife and they provide me all the support i need to achieve goals with. There is a life after cricket as well. Cricket is not the be-all and end-all and it is about setting myself up for after cricket.

Having stability off the field is always fantastic.

What he really meant:

“A hearty breakfast for a healthy body makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise and a contender for the Orange Cap. I’m certainly not eating text messages for breakfast.”

What he definitely didn’t:

Kellogg’s—Breakfast of Champions.”

 

Salman Khan: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t


Salman Khan would rather be a walkabout at Rio.

What he said:

“Since I can only participate in the Olympics if walking were a sport, isiliye main woh hoon jo gaadi ko piche se dhakka de sakta hai  (I’m that vehicle that can push from behind).”

Salman Khan is unperturbed about the controversy on his appointment as the Indian contingent’s Goodwill envoy to the Rio Olympics.

Describing his duties as ambassador, he said:

“I want to charge up the players and see how they are progressing. If we can increase our medal tally compared to last year, it would be great. When that happens, the infrastructure, diet, coaching and other facilities get better. Pehle (ambassador) nahi lekar aaye thay toh theek hai, par ab jab kisi ko lekar aaye hain toh (earlier the players never had an ambassador but now that they do have one ) the players should be encouraged. “

What he really meant:

“I don’t really have a sport and walking’s really not my style either, I’ll be that ambassador who leads the charge from behind—for a change.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“An ambassador is a man (or woman) who lies abroad for his or her country. Look at me, I’m doing it right here—for myself and Indian sport. ”

Salman Khan and Aamir Khan are making a new wrestling film together (Satire)


MUMBAI—

Salman Khan is upset and wishes to make amends.
The Bollywood star was apparently taken aback by all the criticism from various quarters—specifically Yogeshwar Dutt and Milkha Singh—at his appointment as goodwill ambassador to the Rio Olympics by the Indian Olympic Association.
Salman has announced that he and Aamir Khan will join forces and make yet another wrestling movie that will depict the stories of Dutt and Sushil Kumar.
The scion of Salim Khan will play Dutt and Aamir will essay the role of Kumar.
“That’s the least we can do for these magnificent real-life wrestling heroes. And I know how painful wrestling is— after Sultan. In fact, we’ll have Dutt and Kumar perform as body doubles for the shooting of this opus.”

The biopic is titled ‘Pehelwano’.

The Great Khali will be making a special appearance in the picture.

Dutt and Kumar are not so happy about Khali’s appearance grumbling that WWE is mere showmanship and wrestling cannot be about jumping up and down and yelling at your opponents. Kumar added that in the WWE anything goes and most fighting happens outside the ring.

The IOA was unavailable for comment.

Disclaimer: While the characters in this story are real, the tale isn’t. But you knew that already, didn’t you?

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