satire

Salman Khan and Aamir Khan are making a new wrestling film together (Satire)

MUMBAI—

Salman Khan is upset and wishes to make amends.
The Bollywood star was apparently taken aback by all the criticism from various quarters—specifically Yogeshwar Dutt and Milkha Singh—at his appointment as goodwill ambassador to the Rio Olympics by the Indian Olympic Association.
Salman has announced that he and Aamir Khan will join forces and make yet another wrestling movie that will depict the stories of Dutt and Sushil Kumar.
The scion of Salim Khan will play Dutt and Aamir will essay the role of Kumar.
“That’s the least we can do for these magnificent real-life wrestling heroes. And I know how painful wrestling is— after Sultan. In fact, we’ll have Dutt and Kumar perform as body doubles for the shooting of this opus.”

The biopic is titled ‘Pehelwano’.

The Great Khali will be making a special appearance in the picture.

Dutt and Kumar are not so happy about Khali’s appearance grumbling that WWE is mere showmanship and wrestling cannot be about jumping up and down and yelling at your opponents. Kumar added that in the WWE anything goes and most fighting happens outside the ring.

The IOA was unavailable for comment.

Disclaimer: While the characters in this story are real, the tale isn’t. But you knew that already, didn’t you?

Major Dhyan Chand is the new men’s hockey coach (Satire)

(This is a work of fiction).

Following a special committee meeting ‘preponed‘ to Thursday, Hockey India chief Narinder Batra briefed the media on the selection of the men’s hockey coach.

Dhyan Chand (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Batra said:

“We have decided to select the late Major Dhyan Chand as the coach of the men’s squad until the 2016 Rio Olympics. We do not need foreign coaches. We have an illustrious forebear to look up to. Dhyan Chand is a source of pride and inspiration for all generations and we believe that he is the best we can present the boys under the circumstances. This is also HI’s way of posthumously honoring the man given the Indian government has yet to make him a Bharat Ratna.”

When asked how the players’ skills are   to be honed, given that Major Dhyan Chand is not a living personality, Batra replied:

“India has a proud tradition of guru-shishya relationships. Our boys will be modern-day Ekavalyas to Indian hockey’s Dronacharya. Just like Ekavalya proved himself to be a better archer than Arjun despite the master’s absence, our boys will prove themselves on the hockey field and cover themselves in reflected glory. As a mark of respect to Ekavalya who lost his thumb as ‘guru dakshina’, Hockey India will not accept sponsorship from the Coca Cola company, specifically its brand Thums Up, and will also be banning the hand sign as a congratulatory or celebratory gesture.”

It is learnt that life-size statues of the hockey great have been commissioned and will be installed at every practice field in the country. Smaller sized busts of the major  will accompany the team on tour.

Batra added:

“This practice is being tried on a trial-only basis for a period of one year. Should the hockey team fail to perform as expected, more life-size statues and busts may be commissioned of other Indian hockey greats or foreign coaches as desired. The cost savings are substantial and will improve Hockey India and Sporting Authority of India’s finances. This will also still mouths in the media that claim that I have an ego problem and am responsible for a ‘revolving door’ when it comes to selecting and firing key support personnel.”

Major Dhyan Chand’s family members declined to comment when contacted.

Disclaimer: All facts and quotes in this story are made up, but you knew that already, didn’t you?

MS Dhoni announces retirement from IPL, signs up for ISL (Satire)

In a surprise announcement that again bewildered fans and critics, Mahendra Singh Dhoni announced his signing up as a marquee player for Chennaiyin Football Club in the Indian Soccer League (ISL).

The Indian ODI skipper is co-owner of the city club and will now represent the side in the next edition of the football league at the end of this year.

Dhoni announced his retirement from club T20 cricket effectively ending speculation about his future in the Indian Premier League (IPL).

The wicket-keeper batsman said:

“I have decided to discontinue my association with Chennai Super Kings and the IPL but my love affair with Chennai continues. I would love to give back to the metropolis that has adopted me with such passion and love over the past eight years. I have always loved playing soccer since my school days. Cricket was a fortuitous accident that has rewarded me in abundance. But I am still young and would love to ,maybe, emulate my idol Sir Vivian Richards who represented Antigua in soccer. I am a sportsman at heart—whatever the game. Soccer will also allow me to use my head more. The two months off from the IPL will be accommodated here. My commitment to the ISL is total and my playing for Team India (cricket) will be scheduled around the ISL league games.”

He added:

“I would love to try out my heads, hands and feet at other sports as well. In the future, I will also be looking at Motocross racing and kabaddi as possible outlets for the zing and zest within me.”

Abhishek Bacchan, co-owner of Chennaiyin FC, said:

“We are proud to have MSD as part of the team. We believe that he is a great motivator and can move our franchise right to the top of the league. Besides, after years of practice catching a small, red cricket ball, grasping a larger one under the bar should be a cinch.”

Disclaimer: The personalities are real but the story is fictional. Some facts (and figures) are made up, but you knew that already, didn’t you?

Shilpa Shetty announces soap opera on IPL (Satire)

Shilpa Shetty at the IIFA Awards (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

July 15, 2015, Mumbai:

Shilpa Shetty and her husband Raj Kundra announced the making of a soap opera for Indian television titled ‘IPL: Heroes to Zeroes‘.

At a glitzy affair attended by most of the bigwigs in Bollywood, the glamorous actress  said:

“S2 Global Productions will be producing a magnum opus on the Indian Premier League, that will begin with its inception in 2008 and end with the current denouement by the Supreme Court on the fate of teams Chennai Super Kings and Rajasthan Royals. It will attempt to present our side of the story—the IPL saga from the viewpoint of team owners and their travails and run-ins with the BCCI dictatorship. Raj and I will be portraying ourselves. My husband has always been fascinated with Bollywood and has always wondered if he could romance me onscreen. This is his golden opportunity.

Our friends in Bollywood, Preity Zinta, Shah Rukh Khan and Juhi Chawla have graciously consented to be a part of this venture and play themselves as well. Talks are on with Lalit Modi to have him play a stellar role in the series. His is indeed a unique role. He is both hero and villain. Indian television has never seen such a paradoxical character and we would love to have him on-board. We will be shooting all his scenes overseas and are willing to accommodate his travel schedule while meeting our requirements.

We would love to have Mr. N Srinivasan and his son-in-law Mr. Meiyappan shoot for us as well. But we hope the public understand if that’s not possible.”

English: Indian actress Preity Zinta (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ms. Shetty added:

“The production values for this series are lavish. We estimate that this will an even more expensive affair than Anil Kapoor’s 24. The show will be in Hindi and will be dubbed in the regional languages. We are also looking at international tie-ups for an English version of the series. The series will have several firsts. Each episode will be streamed live on a pay-per-view basis. The publicity will be conducted on social media only. We have a predilection for  Twitter and Instagram as our preferred vehicles of choice.

We also hope that our out-of-work IPL crew and team-members will join us. We have starring roles of every member of the CSK and RR franchises. This is our way of ensuring that they do not feel left out in any way. We also have bit roles for the various team cheerleaders and hope that some of them can go on to bigger roles as item girls in Bollywood films. IPL anchors such as Archana Vijay and Shibani Dandekar are also being sought to be narrators for different seasons of the soap.

While we do have screen writers for the scenes and dialogues, the twists and turns in the plot write themselves. Truth in this case is stranger than fiction and we have no qualms in courting it.”

Mr. Raj Kundra said:

“This is a big bet for us. It can make or break our production house.”

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. While the personalities are real , all facts are made up and any resemblance to any persons living or dead is purely coincidental. But you knew that, didn’t you?

Dipika Pallikal triggers a ‘she’ change in National Sports (Satire)

Sarbananda Sonowal, Sports Minister of India, reacted swiftly to squash player Ms. Dipika Pallikal’s comments on sportswomen not receiving equal prize money at the Nationals.

Pallikal said:

“The reason is the same why I haven’t played in the last three years. I feel we deserve equal pay like most of the tournaments which are becoming equal prize money on the PSA professional circuit.

I don’t see why there should be a difference between men and women. I would have loved to play in Kerala and definitely miss playing the Nationals. If women have started getting equal prize money at professional tournaments around the word, why can’t the same happen in India?”

In a circular issued to all the National Sports Federations, the minister said:

“Henceforth, there is to be equal prize money distributed to both men and women players in all national level championships. In fact, there will be no prize money at all for participating in the nationals. This should end the debate about pay parity among the genders.”

While players reacted with shock, awe and disdain in varying proportions, organizers were at a loss as to how to felicitate the winners of these tourneys.

A spokesperson for the Senior National squash championship said:

“We could present ribbons or medals to the victors. Different color ribbons or medals for each place. Other suggestions from our innovators include tees proclaiming, ‘Senior National Squash Championship, THIRUVANANTHAPURAM. I was there. Were you?'”

Organizers at other senior championships were quite enthused about the changes after their initial shock.

“This will allow us to provide athletes two-star , if not three-star,  accommodation. No more dingy dormitories or dirty toilets and bathrooms. Every participant will be comfortable with the eating, drinking and living arrangements.”

Some men players were not so pleased.

They said:

“If women and men enjoy equality, then why aren’t men players allowed to wear skirts or skorts (i.e. skirts over shorts). This will allow us to move more freely on court. Why are our movements hampered so?”

A spokesman for a leading sports federation responded:

“The men have a point. Abolition of prize money will free up funds to equip our players better. We will be able to provide them designer clothing much like the Indian cricket team. In fact, we have sent out feelers to leading Scottish clothiers seeking quotes for kilts which are truly a unisex form of attire. We hope to be hearing from them soon.”

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. (Some facts and some “quotes” in this article are fabricated but you knew that already, didn’t you?)

Vijay Mallya ‘un-craps’ Bernie Ecclestone (Humour)

I’m not a Formula One fan. I don’t watch the sport on television. It’s booooring.

I see no point in watching one or two cars lead the rest of the field by a wide margin, where the only exciting part is how long each driver spends at a pit-stop. Pit-stops are a science and an art and the team’s mechanics its heroes. It is a sport where the engines maketh the winner and the only skill  and challenge in the sport is deciding which tires to use in inclement weather.

There is very little overtaking on the track happening and to watch 60-odd laps hoping such an eventuality occurs is an exercise in futility.

Vijay Mallya lit up the Grand Prix-es with his retort to Bernie Ecclestone’s comment that he has a “crappy product to sell“.

English: Vijay Mallya, Chairman, UB Group, India, participates in a panel discussion on tourism at the World Economic Forum’s India Economic Summit 2008 in New Delhi, 16-18 November 2008. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Uncrap it,” responds the man who left his Kingfisher Airlines employees, creditors and shareholders standing in loads of (you know it, here it comes) excrement.

According to Mallya , the poop has to be sustainable.

He said:

“The most important thing is to ensure the sustainability of all teams in Formula One. If that is addressed, as it should be addressed, even the small independent teams can be competitive. If Williams beats Ferrari, it’s exciting. If Force India can beat Mercedes, that is the cherry on the cake!”

Matthew Carter of Lotus complains that to win at shit you have to spend more money.

His exact words:

“To win or get near the podium is pretty much related to how much money you spend. If the technical rules and regulations can be loosened and allow smaller teams to come up with something that isn’t immediately copied by bigger teams, it goes back to the ethos of Formula One. “

Clare Williams of Williams would like to see more people talk positively about stools.

“I watched F1 years ago and thought ‘these cars are amazing, these drivers are fantastic’. And they still are, and we have to remember that. I would like to see more people talking positively about the sport, it’s about pulling together. We should not forget it is an amazing sport. “

Eddie Jordan of the BBC would like fecal matter to be noisy.

“Noise in F1 is something I grew up with and I miss it. I thought noise was an important part of the show and I will always think that. My bigger concern is the engine rule change, particularly the costs. We have to make more heroes in F1 and make the show more appealing globally.”

Mallya additionally wants more positive coverage for feculence.

“Formula One is perhaps the most exciting sport in the world. If Formula One is made sustainable for all participants I think the negativity will be removed.

If the stability of all participants in Formula One is addressed as a matter of priority we will have more exciting racing and we will get a lot more positive media.”

Well, this certainly isn’t it.

PS: Bernie Ecclestone proof-read this piece. His suggestion: Replace ‘Formula One’ with ‘crap’ everywhere.

Q & A with Virat Kohli (Humour)

English: suresh raina (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

MakeTimeForSports makes an attempt to get India Test skipper Virat Kohli to clarify his stand on MS Dhoni’s leadership.

1) How are you today? Are you able to express yourself freely?

Yes, without a doubt. I wouldn’t be talking to you otherwise.

2) Suresh Raina and Ravichandran Ashwin have come out in support of your predecessor and current ODI skipper MS Dhoni. What are your views on their remarks?

It’s not disrespectful to be willing to die for your skipper but the skipper is just a representative of the team and you should be willing to die for all your teammates. That’s the essence of team spirit. The spirit of Dhoni will linger on in the dressing room long after he’s gone and,  in Ashwin’s case, on the field as well. Besides, this is probably the best and last chance for Raina and Ashwin to be dubbed Sir Suresh and Sir Ravichandran by his Royal Highness Maharaja Mahendra Singh Dhoni the First—or so a tweeting bird informs me!

3) Dhoni’s coach Chanchal Bhattacharjee and yours’ Raj Kumar Sharma have commented on India’s abysmal showing in the ODI series with Sharma terming the 2nd loss the ‘Black Sunday of Indian cricket’. Your thoughts?

Look on the other side. It was a Bright Sunday for Bangladesh. You win some, you lose some and make some remarks about the team not being able to express itself freely. Sunny side up, my man, sunny side up.

English: virat kohli (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Mahendra Singh Dhoni at Adelaide Oval (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

4) What do you think should the Indian team do to be able to express themselves more freely and with more clarity?

For a start, they should grow beards like mine and curse and glare when they are adjudged out. They should also consider dating film-stars and models. I’m sure Anushka can introduce them to some of her single colleagues.

5) Would you have considered stepping down if it had been you in the driver’s seat and not Dhoni yet the same outcome?

Huh! The possibility never crossed my mind.

Disclaimer: The character(s) are real but the interview is fictional.

Q & A with Mahendra Singh Dhoni (Humour)

Mahendra Singh Dhoni bowlingat Adelaide Oval (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

MakeTimeForSports had the privilege of chatting with legendary India skipper MS Dhoni before the third ODI in Mirpur against Bangladesh.

1) It’s a do-or-die game for you against the Bengal Tigers. You’ve already lost the series, right?

Yes, it’s certainly do-or-dye. I’ve ordered cartons of Bigen hair color for the entire team. Ashwin will color his on the field itself should we suffer another loss.

2) It’s the No.4 slot for you again?

Got to score some runs as a batsman, right? Can’t let Kohli and Shastri have their way, can I? At least, it won’t be that easy to ease me out if I score some. More runs in the kitty, more games to play—no pun intended. Besides, if I play Rahane, Kohli would bat at No.4. In a way, I’m taking his place!

3) What are you not in line for next?

Quite a few things actually. Sports management, commentating and cricket administration.

4) Did you see the above question coming?

But, of course.

5) Will Indian cricket start doing really well if you quit now?

Well… for the next two years, at least. Remember we always play well at home on subcontinental wickets. So yes, but then they’d do well with me at the helm too.

Disclaimer: The character(s) are real but the interview is fictional.

Thomas Cook and Cox & Kings woo Lalit Modi (Satire)

Lalit Modi is making waves not just in the political sphere but also in the travel sphere.

Unconfirmed reports reveal that travel companies Thomas Cook and Cox and King are vying to enlist the former cricket czar as their brand ambassador.

An anonymous source within Thomas Cook confirmed the news.

“Mr. Lalit Modi would be a wonderful emissary for the travel industry and Thomas Cook, in particular. Extensive reportage of his sojourns in the Indian media over the past few days has witnessed an increased interest in packages for exotic locations such as Havana, Cuba, Montenegro, Madrid,Jamaica,Zimbabwe,Pattaya,Seychelles, Serengeti,Venice,Istanbul, Doha, Qatar, Positano, La Coruna, Ibiza, Spain and last, but not least, Portugal. We expect the demand for these destinations to grow exponentially should Mr. Modi agree to our terms. Who are we kidding? Mr. Modi can name his price.”

Cox and Kings representatives expressed similar sentiments.

Meanwhile, ICC chieftain, N Srinivasan, was horrified that his former ally and current foe was visiting countries and places  on the fringes of international cricket.

It is learnt that the former BCCI chief is investigating the possibility that Mr. Modi is a front-man for Dr. Subhash Chandra, chairman of the Essel group. The Essel conglomerate is in the news for registering subsidiaries in Australia and New Zealand in an attempt to overthrow the existing cricketing establishment and form a breakaway body that would lure top cricketers into their fold.

“Is Mr. Modi purveying Mr. Chandra’s agenda while purportedly holidaying at these outposts?”

wondered Mr. Srinivasan in a hastily deleted tweet.

“I can visualize the sales pitch—A truly international T20 competition, come with your WAGS. Come one, come all. Beach cricket now not just a dream.”

English: Indian director and scriptwriter Zoya Akhtar (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Meanwhile, in an interview with a leading daily, Ms. Zoya Akhtar thanked Mr. Modi for inspiring the choice of locations for her next film.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. (Some facts and all “quotes” in this article are fabricated but you knew that already, didn’t you?)

Q & A With Serena Williams (Humour)

MakeTimeForSports touched base with 2011 US Open runner-up Serena Williams after her loss to Sam Stosur.

1) What do you think is the reason for your loss to Sam Stosur?

The chair umpire had it in for me, of course.

2) Don’t you think that you tried to intimidate your opponent?

What, that little shriek? I yell like that when I see chocolate cake too.

3) You say you can’t recall what you said on court?

Yeah, like I rehearsed.

4) You’ll catch yourself on YouTube….

Yes, isn’t that super-cool???

5) Do you have a real, good excuse for your on-court behaviour?

Hmmm.. how about ‘I was testing my lung power’?

Disclaimer: The character(s) are real but the interview is fictional.

Quote of the day:
The most common of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. – H. L. Mencken