humor

Kapil Dev: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t

Kapil Dev eggs on the Indian cricket team to greater heights.

What he said:

“Well I have never understood this team hug inside the ground at start of the match. What were you guys doing in dressing room. Only eating eggs!”

Former India player and World Cup winning skipper Kapil Dev is realistic about Team India’s chances at the World Cup Down Under this year.

The all-time great was addressing a ‘Cricket Conclave‘ organized by News24.

He said:

“If Virat Kohli scores a century and then blows a flying kiss towards his girlfriend, I have no problems. Rather I have problem if a player scores zero and is blowing a flying kiss. We played cricket in a different era and now its a different era. We have to accept that.We can’t just sit back and think that cricket is no longer a gentleman’s game. Times have changed. The generation I played was different. We grew up with Test cricket. But now you have sledging, abuses and T20 is an accepted format.”

English: virat kohli (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Kapil added:

“India I believe will reach semifinals and all four semi finalists will have 25 percent chance. You can’t predict from there on. I believe start is very important. I think the first 15 overs will decide how India will perform. I would take 40/0 in first 15 overs which can give us 270 plus total. It’s a must. But if India lose 2-3 wickets in 15 overs it will be difficult.”

What he really meant:

“The huddle is a muddle. Strategy is planned in the dressing room. The huddle’s merely an excuse for a no show!”

What he definitely didn’t:

“Sunday ho ya Monday, roj khana unday!”

Anil Kumble: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t

Anil Kumble theorises.

What he said:

“We have gone into this theory of three seamers and one spinner the moment we sit on an aircraft which travels more than seven hours.”

Anil Kumble is convinced that not much thought goes into the selection of the bowlers in overseas Tests outside the subcontinent.

He said:

“We have the quality of bowlers, it’s just trying to see who can adjust to the Test format and then choosing your best four bowlers who you think can pick up 20 wickets, that’s also been an issue.

We have gone into this theory of three seamers and one spinner the moment we sit on an aircraft which travels more than seven hours – that’s the mindset… If your 20 wickets are going to come with two spinners and two fast bowlers, so be it. If it comes with three spinners and one fast bowler so be it.”

The former India skipper believes that  “Horses for courses” is not the right policy when it comes to selecting teams for the longer format.

What he really meant:

“It’s a long flight and snooze mode is what the Indian think-tank hits on its ‘Think-Pad’.” 

What he definitely didn’t:

 “The Indian team especially it’s bowlers should just ‘wing it’.”

Lionel Messi: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t

Lionel Messi is going, not going, going again.

What he said:

“I have never demanded anything to stay because I don’t have any intention of going. I heard people say that my dad had spoken to Chelsea, to City … it’s all lies.

I heard all sorts of things said. I never come out and deny [stories] but this time I am. It has been said that I have pushed out lots of people … Eto’o, Ibrahimovic, Bojan, Guardiola … [and] I didn’t ask them to sack our manager.

It hurts because it comes from people who [supposedly] love Barcelona. It’s people who want to hurt the club – and this time it did not come from Madrid, like other times, it has come from here. I have heard lots of things being said about me before and now. They make it look like I am the one who is in charge here when I am just another player.

Don’t throw shit at us from outside because that will only do us harm.”

Lionel Messi threw all speculation about his future with Barcelona out the window following his team’s 3-1 drubbing of Atletico Madrid, their first in over a year.

The statement allayed fans’ fears for the time being given the recent happenings at the club in the past week.

Barca have sacked their sporting director, Andoni Zubizarreta and Carles Puyol has quit the club.

While president, Josep María Bartomeu, has reassured Catalonians that Luis Enrique will continue as coach, he also announced that presidential elections will be brought forward a year making his own future at the club uncertain.

Messi’s relationship with Enrique has been on the rocks with the manager keen on resting his star player to prevent possible breakdown and burn out.

Messi would rather play most if not all games.

However, at the 2014 Ballon d’Or awards, the Argentine revealed fresh doubts.

Messi said:

“I don’t know where I will be next season. I would like to finish with Newell’s [the club from his hometown of Rosario]. As Cristiano Ronaldo says, only God knows the future. Things in football can change overnight.”

What he really meant:

 “Now, now,now. If Chelsea or Manchester City are willing to bite the bait, I could still move. Besides, I can now bargain with Barca about the extension of my contract. More power to me. It’s all about negotiations, baby, and I like to be the one in the dribbler’s seat. Perhaps, I’ll get Luis (Enrique) to start me more often.”

What he definitely didn’t:

 “It’s all about continuity and what’s best for the club and its fans.”

Lukas Podolski: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t

Lukas Podolski did not even get a kiss goodbye.

What he said:

“He [Wenger] said nothing to me. He did not call me or say goodbye. I don’t need flowers or a kiss from him. But it is about respect, about saying goodbye. For me respect is important. Maybe he had other problems with me.”

Arsenal forward and German international Lukas Podolski leaves for Inter Milan—on loan from Arsenal—on a sour note accusing manager Arsene Wenger of disrespecting him during his stay at the club.

Podolski has never had a regular place in the starting line-up since arriving there in 2012. His 60 appearances for the North London side bagged him 19 goals.

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger and in the background, Arsenal first team coach Boro Primorac (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Wenger responded:

“I had many conversations with him, he had my agreement to go on loan. I deny that completely but I knew he did not get enough opportunities. We have many players, when a player of his quality doesn’t get enough games you can understand he is frustrated.

At some stage too many players is detrimental to the confidence. You need the right numbers. It had nothing to do with his quality. It is just a loan without an option to buy – that means he is back at the end of the season.”

Podolski told the Sun:

“If I had been given a run of five or 10 games and played really s—, then I could say: ‘Fair enough, I am not good enough.'”

What he really meant:

“Ouch! What a nasty break-up! And my manager cannot even see me to the airport with flowers, kisses and chocolates. Woo hoo!”

What he definitely didn’t:

“Now you know what it means to be Podolskied.”

Asamoah Gyan: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t

Asamoah Gyan and his team will die for their nation—at the right price.

What he said:

“We want to prove to people it is not about the money. We are just here to die for the nation as we’re Ghanaians.
We are just playing with our hearts and make sure we die for the nation. So far, the players are happy with the money and everything has been resolved. What we’re thinking now, is to going to Equatorial Guinea and to die for the nation.”

Ghana Black Stars skipper Asamoah Gyan insists that he and his team will put their best feet forward—literally—when they take part in the African Cup of Nations. The Ghanaian team have been promised a flat fee of USD 5000 for every match they play, irrespective of the result. This is the new bonus structure instituted by the country’s sports ministry.

After initial team rumblings, both parties have arrived at an understanding with Gyan assuring his fellow countrymen that there would be no repeat of the World Cup imbroglio wherein the players refused to play their final group game against Portugal in Brazil because they had not been paid their appearance fee. The players had then demanded payment in cash.

Gyan said:

“Before we didn’t know before we heard it in the press. During these holidays, we had to sit down with the board members and then trash out some issues and talking about the bonuses because we don’t want the Brazil issue to get in our heads right now. I think everything went on successfully. We are happy everything has been resolved. We are not thinking about any money issues now. What we are thinking about is the Africa Cup of Nations.”

What he really meant:

“We’re willing to lay down or get up for the country at the African Cup of nations. It all depends on whether we get paid to lie or die.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“Money is the root of all evil. Also, all goals.”

Tony Abbott: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t

Tony Abbott is not a member of the anti-sledging camp.

English: Tony Abbott in 2010. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What he said:

“I couldn’t bat, I couldn’t bowl, I couldn’t field, but I could sledge, and I think I held my place in the team on this basis, and I promise there’ll be none of that today.”

Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott jests that he was a sledger-par-excellence during his Oxford University days.

The premier was addressing the Indian cricket team at tea hosted at at Kirribilli House in Sydney on Thursday.

Abbott is a former captain of Oxford’s Middle Common Room team of the Queen’s College at Oxford.

Revealing his thoughts on Steve Smith’s delayed declaration during the Melbourne Test, the university cricketer said:

“When I told people last night that I was lucky enough to be hosting the Australian and the Indian cricket teams here today, the only question that they assailed me with was `What did you think of the declaration?’.

My initial thought was it was none of my business. My further thought was that Steven Smith did absolutely his duty, because it is his duty to put Australia in the strongest possible position because, as India’s batsmen have repeatedly demonstrated this summer, you can never take India for granted.”

What he really meant:

 “The English are not the only traditionalists. Australians too have one—sledging—and I carried it all the way to Oxford.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“Unparliamentary language, chaps, unparliamentary language. Just not done, Steve and company.”

Kane Williamson: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t

Kane Williamson is mighty quiet when batting with Brendon McCullum.

What he said:

“It kind of felt like I was the library in a theme park.”

Kane Williamson played second fiddle to his skipper Brendon McCullum at Christchurch where the latter ratcheted up 195 off 134 balls to set up a victory over tourists Sri Lanka.

Williamson said:

“After lunch on that first day, I was struggling in Christchurch and Brendon was whacking it to all parts. It kind of felt like I was the library in a theme park. He was doing everything and I was watching. It’s fantastic the way he’s going – it’s something most of us have never seen before.”

He added:

“When you’re playing with him you can’t compete with what Brendon’s doing. You just stick to your game. Sometimes it highlights the fact that you need to stick around so he can keep playing with that freedom. When he is playing like that and doing what he’s doing, he develops the game and pushes it forward in our favour. It’s slightly dangerous at the other end – you have to watch it, but it’s something special to watch.

When Brendon’s in that mode he looks very relaxed. You can get excited when he’s doing that, and think ‘jeepers’, but I’m sure everyone has been thinking that. At the same time he’s been very calculating. Sometimes it doesn’t look like it, but from ball one, he’s been measured with his approach. In the last match it was tough to drive so he wanted to hit through the line. He did that and it went a long way.”

What he really meant:

“I felt like I was a studious student watching an explosive expert at work.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“Boom Boom Brendon! Silent Knight Kane!”

Michael Holding: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t

Michael Holding delivers a  no ball.

What he said:

“You can see the front line, it does not move, put your foot on it.”

Michael Holding makes it clear that bowlers have no excuses for overstepping the line.

What he really meant:

“If you cannot legally bowl sighted, you ought to try blindfolds.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“It’s time they reduced the pitch to 20 yards instead or re-introduced the back-foot rule. It’ll help given the clubs batsmen wield these days.”

Chris Rogers: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t

Chris Rogers unwraps a ‘Boxing Day’ quote.

English: Chris Rogers playing for Northamptonshire against Cambridge UCCE at Fenner’s on 15 April 2007. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What he said:

“I’d like to say it’s hard to miss, but I won’t.”

Chris Rogers quips away on being hit in the  box by Ishant Sharma in the first over of the Melbourne Test on the 26th.

What he really meant:

“Balls! Ouch!”

What he definitely didn’t:

“What an apt beginning to the Boxing Day test.”

MS Dhoni: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t

MS Dhoni dries up the speculation.

What he said:

“Actually that was the case, Virat [Kohli] used a knife. He stabbed Shikhar [Dhawan], who just recovered out of that, then we pushed him to bat. These are all stories. Marvel, maybe Warner Bros or somebody should pick up this and make a nice movie out of it.”

Mahendra Singh Dhoni squashes rumours about a split in the dressing room and poked fun at tales about a fracas between Delhi mates Virat Kohli and Shikhar Dhawan.

He added:

“If somebody from the team has actually told you this, it’d be interesting if you could give us the name. Because his imagination is really brilliant and he should be working for one of the movie companies. He doesn’t deserve to be in our dressing room, because he has entirely created something that has not been there at all. Stuff like that makes good stories for the tabloid and maybe it helps them sell it. As far as the reality is concerned, there’s been nothing like that.”

What he really meant:

“Take a yarn and make it wilder; that’s in the realm of rumour, that’s in the realm of fiction. Fiction has no part to play in the Indian dressing room. “

What he definitely didn’t:

“Bloody Tales from the Dressing Room’ starring Virat and Shikhar ought to be the name of the film. I’ll play the narrator.”