US Open 2011

Q & A with Novak Djokovic (Humour)

1) The retirement in the final at Cincinnati to Andy Murray was…

Unfortunate. I had shoulder pain. He didn’t.

2)  Are you going to be donning a blonde wig again, anytime soon?

You enjoyed that? He he he.

3) Maria Sharapova said she’d prefer it if you were wearing a skirt while mimicking her…

It’s about performance meeting style. My performance, her style. He he he.

4) Maria says she’ll be  scripting a commercial too, to get her own back…

The more the merrier…

5) 57-2. Thoughts on that?

64-2 soon. I hope. I’m no machine and certainly not mechanic.

Disclaimer: The interview is fictional but the character(s) are real.

Stacey Allaster: What she said, really meant and definitely did not

What she said:

"Our DNA is different.”

WTA CEO, Stacey Allaster, says that women grunting on court can be put down to the difference between the sexes.

What she really meant:

“I’ve read ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ like a million times.It’s my gospel.”

What she definitely didn’t:

“Now, that explains why Serena Williams serves quicker than most men on the tour.”

Jo Wilfried Tsonga: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

What he said:

"He plays incredible tennis, but he’s not an alien.”

Jo Wilfried Tsonga is convinced that Novak Djokovic is not an extra-terrestrial despite playing extraordinary  tennis this year. Tsonga adds: “In fact, what he does is doing everything better than the others. He doesn’t hit harder, he doesn’t hit the ball earlier. But he’s always there. This is tiring when you play against him. He does not have the best return on the tour. But on every return, he returns well, and he’s always there. So what does it is his consistency, and he has no weaknesses."

What he really meant:

“If Novak’s an alien, then so are the rest of us. It’s just that he does it over a longer period.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“Djokovic’s alienated.”

Jo Wilfried Tsonga: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

What he said:

“"I don’t have the pretension to try to beat Novak without my arm."

Jo Wilfried Tsonga is more than realistic about his chances against Novak Djokovic without a ‘good arm’. The Frenchman conceded his semi-final at Montreal 4-6,0-3 complaining of pain in his right appendage.

What he really meant:

“I have one tennis-playing arm and one racket. I’m not ambidextrous.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“It’s not golf. We don’t play handicapped.”

Li Na: What she said, really meant and definitely did not

What she said:

"I would like to say, my agent doing good job."

Li Na’s response to her signing on by Mercedes Benz and Haagen-Dazs,making her the highest earning female athlete after Maria Sharapova, is as funny as her other wisecracks.

What she really meant:

“I play tennis. I bag trophies. My agent plays sponsors. My agents bags endorsements.”

What she definitely didn’t:

“Sharapova’s agent is doing a better job. Can I have him instead?”

Venus Williams: What she said, really meant and definitely did not

What she said:

“I just like to receive fun packages. I don’t open the packages with orthotics in them or the sports shorts. (Laughs) I’ll open the ones with the DVDs and the new books and the new clothes. I got a textbook in my last package—I find those exciting, sadly. [What subject?] Organizational behavior.”

Venus Williams loves to receive packages of any kind. Books, DVDs, clothes are par for the course. Textbooks are exciting, paradoxically.

What she really meant:

“It feels like Christmas every time I receive one.”

What she definitely did not: 

“I want a manual: ‘How To Play Tennis Like A Pro’. Get me one of those.”

Q & A with Roger Federer

We caught up with Roger Federer after his loss to Jo Wilfried Tsonga at the Montreal Masters.

1) How does it feel to hit 30?

Not so good, actually, but, of course, I’m not going to say that despite my having my worst year (in terms of majors) since 2002.

2) How’s it going at Montreal?

Not good at all. I thought that Tsonga would take the hint and realize it’s Rogers’ Cup but no. Now they all enjoy taking the mickey out of me. And Nadal (chuckling).

3) Will this affect your US Open preparation?

No, not at all. You saw how I played prior to the French Open and yet I made the finals at Roland Garros.

4) Is retirement on the cards?

I’m still young, I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee (occasionally). Don’t count me out till I’m 35 and then I’ll join Pete (Sampras) on the Champions’ tour.

5) How does Mirka feel about you continuing your touring ways?

As long as I babysit the kids, she has no complaints. (Luckily, the diapers changing phase is past).

Do say: You’re still No.3.

Don’t say: 16—no more.

Disclaimer: The character(s) are real but the interview is fictional.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers

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Brad Gilbert: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

What he said:

“He hasn’t lost a stitch of hair. He plays young."

Brad Gilbert is astounded how Federer keeps on playing the game with the zest and zeal of a much younger man.

What he really meant:

“He’s got all his hair, he’s not been injured much and he has 16 majors. You say he’s old?”

What he definitely didn’t:

“The more hairy or hirsute you are, the better the player you’ll be.”

Otto the German Shepherd puzzles over the US Open

My dog, Otto the German Shepherd, is nonplussed.

“Who do you think will win the men’s US Open title this year?”, he barks at me.

I am none-too-pleased at being drawn from my morning cuppa while catching up on the funnies in the paper.

“Why do you want to know?” I growl back.

“I need to know because I need to know.” replies Otto.

“Your guess is as good as mine.” I respond.

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