Stories

MS Dhoni announces retirement from IPL, signs up for ISL (Satire)

In a surprise announcement that again bewildered fans and critics, Mahendra Singh Dhoni announced his signing up as a marquee player for Chennaiyin Football Club in the Indian Soccer League (ISL).

The Indian ODI skipper is co-owner of the city club and will now represent the side in the next edition of the football league at the end of this year.

Dhoni announced his retirement from club T20 cricket effectively ending speculation about his future in the Indian Premier League (IPL).

The wicket-keeper batsman said:

“I have decided to discontinue my association with Chennai Super Kings and the IPL but my love affair with Chennai continues. I would love to give back to the metropolis that has adopted me with such passion and love over the past eight years. I have always loved playing soccer since my school days. Cricket was a fortuitous accident that has rewarded me in abundance. But I am still young and would love to ,maybe, emulate my idol Sir Vivian Richards who represented Antigua in soccer. I am a sportsman at heart—whatever the game. Soccer will also allow me to use my head more. The two months off from the IPL will be accommodated here. My commitment to the ISL is total and my playing for Team India (cricket) will be scheduled around the ISL league games.”

He added:

“I would love to try out my heads, hands and feet at other sports as well. In the future, I will also be looking at Motocross racing and kabaddi as possible outlets for the zing and zest within me.”

Abhishek Bacchan, co-owner of Chennaiyin FC, said:

“We are proud to have MSD as part of the team. We believe that he is a great motivator and can move our franchise right to the top of the league. Besides, after years of practice catching a small, red cricket ball, grasping a larger one under the bar should be a cinch.”

Disclaimer: The personalities are real but the story is fictional. Some facts (and figures) are made up, but you knew that already, didn’t you?

Vijender Singh turns pro, ‘Pacquiaos’ his bags for London

Sport knows no borders.

Vijender Singh, a bronze medalist for India at the 2008 Beijing Olympics in the middleweight category, has embraced professionalism.

The boxer has moved to London after signing a contract with Queensberry Promotions that will see him fight a minimum of six bouts in his first year as a pro.

The celebrated pugilist brings the curtain down on his aspirations of a medal at the 2016 Rio Olympics.

His current employers, the Haryana police, objected to Vijender’s move claiming that he cannot serve two masters—Mammon and the Indian public, at large.

Vijender is currently on probation as a DSP.

Vijender said:

“I don’t want to compare myself to a legend like Pacquiao, but if I can achieve even half of what he has, I will consider myself successful.

Just like how Pacquiao carried the Phillipines flag and (Floyd) Mayweather Jr carried the US flag to their bout, I will carry the Indian flag to my bouts. I’ve taken Indian boxing to a new, untested level and opened international avenues for our boxers. This cannot be viewed as un-patriotic.”

The Bhiwani lad has always sought the limelight and is considered the glamour boy of Indian boxing.

His clean-cut good looks made him a favorite with advertisers and a brief doping (heroin) scandal did nothing to sully his reputation. The slugger also starred in a Bollywood film Fugly that released in 2014.

Vijender is not the first Indian boxer to turn professional but he could be one of the best and turn the spotlight back on a sport that has lost its luster with a disaffiliated and derecognized national boxing federation  unable to send Indian fighters to participate in international tournaments.

Indian boxing needs another shot in the arm and this could very well be it.
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Q & A with Virat Kohli (Humour)

English: suresh raina (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

MakeTimeForSports makes an attempt to get India Test skipper Virat Kohli to clarify his stand on MS Dhoni’s leadership.

1) How are you today? Are you able to express yourself freely?

Yes, without a doubt. I wouldn’t be talking to you otherwise.

2) Suresh Raina and Ravichandran Ashwin have come out in support of your predecessor and current ODI skipper MS Dhoni. What are your views on their remarks?

It’s not disrespectful to be willing to die for your skipper but the skipper is just a representative of the team and you should be willing to die for all your teammates. That’s the essence of team spirit. The spirit of Dhoni will linger on in the dressing room long after he’s gone and,  in Ashwin’s case, on the field as well. Besides, this is probably the best and last chance for Raina and Ashwin to be dubbed Sir Suresh and Sir Ravichandran by his Royal Highness Maharaja Mahendra Singh Dhoni the First—or so a tweeting bird informs me!

3) Dhoni’s coach Chanchal Bhattacharjee and yours’ Raj Kumar Sharma have commented on India’s abysmal showing in the ODI series with Sharma terming the 2nd loss the ‘Black Sunday of Indian cricket’. Your thoughts?

Look on the other side. It was a Bright Sunday for Bangladesh. You win some, you lose some and make some remarks about the team not being able to express itself freely. Sunny side up, my man, sunny side up.

English: virat kohli (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Mahendra Singh Dhoni at Adelaide Oval (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

4) What do you think should the Indian team do to be able to express themselves more freely and with more clarity?

For a start, they should grow beards like mine and curse and glare when they are adjudged out. They should also consider dating film-stars and models. I’m sure Anushka can introduce them to some of her single colleagues.

5) Would you have considered stepping down if it had been you in the driver’s seat and not Dhoni yet the same outcome?

Huh! The possibility never crossed my mind.

Disclaimer: The character(s) are real but the interview is fictional.

MS Dhoni: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t

MS Dhoni dries up the speculation.

What he said:

“Actually that was the case, Virat [Kohli] used a knife. He stabbed Shikhar [Dhawan], who just recovered out of that, then we pushed him to bat. These are all stories. Marvel, maybe Warner Bros or somebody should pick up this and make a nice movie out of it.”

Mahendra Singh Dhoni squashes rumours about a split in the dressing room and poked fun at tales about a fracas between Delhi mates Virat Kohli and Shikhar Dhawan.

He added:

“If somebody from the team has actually told you this, it’d be interesting if you could give us the name. Because his imagination is really brilliant and he should be working for one of the movie companies. He doesn’t deserve to be in our dressing room, because he has entirely created something that has not been there at all. Stuff like that makes good stories for the tabloid and maybe it helps them sell it. As far as the reality is concerned, there’s been nothing like that.”

What he really meant:

“Take a yarn and make it wilder; that’s in the realm of rumour, that’s in the realm of fiction. Fiction has no part to play in the Indian dressing room. “

What he definitely didn’t:

“Bloody Tales from the Dressing Room’ starring Virat and Shikhar ought to be the name of the film. I’ll play the narrator.”

Emmanuel Petit: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t

Emmanuel Petit calls for a Franco-German union (well, almost).

What he said:

“France is hypocritical and cowardly. Sometimes I think that if we’d been overrun by the Germans, we’d be better run.”

Former France midfielder Emmanuel Petit is disgusted with the way the French national press have consistently treated his former team-mate Thierry Henry. Henry recently announced that he will be quitting the New York Red Bulls after four and a half years. The French forward is mulling retiring from the game. He is 37.

Petit said:

“In England, they’ve built a statue of Thierry. That means a lot. He is revered there. This bad image [in the French press] of Thierry Henry, it annoys me. What can we reproach Henry for? His handball against Ireland? He helped France qualify for the World Cup in South Africa. He has done nothing.”

He added:

“Wayne Rooney is not hated in England, even though he was not always right in his boots on the field and off. Thierry Henry never had a bad move on the pitch and there were no stories in his private life.

He’s not hated but he’s certainly not loved. He got screwed by the French press after his handball and has since not spoken to the French media.

In France, he has no collusion with the press, so what? Perhaps because he was not smiling when he scored for Les Bleus! Well, that’s what I hate in this country.

I have great difficulty with the French, I have never seen such arrogant, smug, lying and hypocritical people.”

Arsène Wenger, French football manager. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger said:

“He(Henry) is an Arsenal man. The best moment certainly of his life and of his career has been experienced here. Certainly one day he will come back here. In what role I don’t know, that is what he has to think about: what direction he wants to give to his next life.”

He added:

“Thierry has all the qualities because he is intelligent, committed, he loves the game. He just has to think, ‘Do I want to sacrifice all the rest of my life to be involved in that job?’

Yes [he can still do a job as a player], but 37 today in the Premier League … I don’t think he wants to do that again.

Thierry has given a lot, he has come out [of the Premier League] with an image that is fantastic. I am not sure that he wants to play again in the Premier League.

I don’t think he wants to carry on. That is a virtual world.”

What Petit really meant:

“Why couldn’t the French press be like the Argentines and simply term the handball incident the ‘Hand of God’ or, at least, the ‘Hand of Henry’? Why be critical of your best player and label him a cheat? It’s a national disgrace.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“I’ve got my history wrong. The French were overrun—twice. That’s why the French press is so rabid towards fellow Frenchmen. They’re Deutsch in disguise.”

Mario Balotelli: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t

Mario Balotelli hashes it up on Instagram.

What he said:

“Not all Mexicans have a moustache, not all black people jump high and not all Jewish people love money.”

Irreverent Italian striker Mario Balotelli is in the news again for all the wrong reasons.

The Liverpool forward stirred up some soup for himself with a controversial post on Instagram.

Balotelli was quick to delete his post in the face of a barrage of on-line and offline criticism.

And was even quicker to attempt damage control.

His first tweeted response:

He followed it with:

Anti-discrimination group Kick It Out has forwarded the offending post to the Football Association. FA has set a deadline of 18:00 GMT Friday the 12th for the Italian to provide a cogent defence for his anti-Semitic remark.

Speaking to BBC, a Liverpool spokesman said:

“We are aware of the posting which has since been promptly deleted by the player. We will be speaking to the player about the issue.”

Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers said:

“I don’t know hardly anything about it, I have been busy getting the team ready for this game.

I will probably find out more about it.”

Jewish Leadership Council chief executive Simon Johnson, a former FA executive, said:

“We abhor all forms of racism, wherever it is found. We call upon the FA to investigate this offensive social media post and to take action if appropriate if we are to succeed in kicking racism out of football.”

Sports media trainer Alec Wilkinson added his bit:

“There are those that are famous, earn lots of money, with a sky-high profile, who think ‘What can you teach me? I can say what I like, it won’t damage me. We spend a lot of time explaining to them it’s good for them to take the pressure off themselves, to understand how the media works, how you can offend people.”

What Balotelli really meant:

“You know something, I suddenly realized that stereotypes, racial or not, are funny only until they’re not. Now the joke’s on Finally Mario.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“I’m going to grow a moustache, play basketball instead and take a pay cut.”

Saina Nehwal: What she said, really meant and definitely didn’t

Saina Nehwal makes no song-and-dance about her name or her (almost) namesake—merely her achievements.

What she said:

“If you’re starting your career and you have a name that is similar to a celebrity, it also gives you an added advantage.”

Saina Nehwal is not in the shadows anymore—certainly not Sania Mirza’s.

Speaking to Mint Indulge, the No.1 Indian woman badminton player said:

“For me, badminton is my love. And I was persuaded by my parents to follow it when I was quite young, say around eight years old. I have still not taken it as a profession, rather I take it as my duty and I enjoy it a lot. I have also been helped by the sacrifices that my family has made, the hard work of the coaches I worked with, the support of the financiers, love of the fellow countrymen and, of course, blessings of the almighty. But my parents are the producers of this badminton project. That is why I am here in badminton. Also, I love badminton because it does not know the boundaries of caste, creed, religion and nationality.”

Sania Mirza at the 2009 US Open (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

About the media and Indian public initially confusing her with Sania Mirza, Indian women’s tennis icon, Nehwal responded:

“I think hard work pays. If you’re starting your career and you have a name that is similar to a celebrity, it also gives you an added advantage. She was an established player when I started and I might actually have been helped by her name in the past. Now that I too am doing some good work, people know me as Saina Nehwal and it feels good.”

What she really meant:

“What’s in a name? We’re both roses of Indian sport and how we arose. Who cares if I’m Sania Nehwal and she’s Saina Mirza? Besides, we’re both in the same racquet, aren’t we? They’re both racquet sports.”

What she definitely didn’t:

“Now if they’d only allow us badminton players to wear those cool skirts and tops like tennis players, I’d be a cool diva too.”

Jose Mourinho: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t

Jose Mourinho throws a fit.

English: José Mourinho (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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What he said:

“Get a masters and become a doctor before you talk about my players’ fitness.”

Spanish midfielder and Chelsea stalwart Cesc Fabregas is displeased with the criticism from his countryman Sergio Ramos for not turning up for national duty. Fabregas missed two games for Spain—out with a hamstring injury.

Ramos, however,  is no a paragon of virtue and holds the record for the most number of red cards by a Real Madrid player. He once left a match early to catch a bullfight.

Fabregas said:

“Yes I felt that I was the one being alluded to and I already told Sergio what I thought.It p—– you off when your commitment is questioned, of course it p—– you off. There have been a lot of matches and training camps I have turned up for without playing.I have made 94 appearances for Spain and for nine years I have always come, always. And with a smile from ear to ear.I said to Ramos he can call me on the telephone and say it to my face. I told him we have been playing together since the under-21s and there is no need to send messages in the media. But everything is fine.”

Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho characteristically  minced few words in responding to Ramos.

Mourinho said:

Since I’ve known Sergio Ramos he has been a fantastic football player, but he is not a doctor. He is not a doctor and I am the same. I do my job the best I can but I am not a doctor.My doctor and the doctor of the Spanish national team, they had the scans and they decided that the player was not in the condition to play.

I am nobody to go against it and I don’t think Sergio did a medicine Masters in the last couple of years to understand about it. Kompany didn’t play for Belgium against Wales and he played today. Has he a compromise with his national team? I think he has. He is the captain of Belgium.

Did he, how do you say, ‘cheat’ by not playing against Wales to play today? I don’t think he did. So we all accept that he was injured.

I trust my doctor 100 per cent. If Del Bosque doesn’t trust his doctor that is his problem not my problem. I speak with my doctor and I believe in what my doctor tells me. Nothing else. No problem.

Fabregas was in a doubtful situation, Diego no. Diego recovered totally from his problem with these two weeks that he had to rest and to improve his injury.

Fabregas is different. Fabregas survived. Diego no, Diego now is in great condition.”

Sergio Ramos (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What he really meant:

“I’m not a doctor. You’re not a doctor. Should we even be discussing this? Fabregas was the patient and he needed your patience, not your allegations.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“I don’t trust our team doctor, so call me when you finish your degree. I have a vacancy to fill.”

Viren Rasquinha: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t

Viren Rasquinha unveils his plan for stakeholder management.

Embed from Getty Images

What he said:

“I feel when there are such problems, all the stakeholders – be it Hockey India, Terry Walsh, sports ministry, SAI – you have to lock them up in a room, let them sit across the table and trash out all these issues.”

Former India hockey skipper and COO of Olympic Gold Quest, Viren Rasquinha, is hopeful that AussieTerry Walsh will return to coach the Indian side. Walsh resigned his post after his demands for a greater say in team decisions and the ability to pick his own support staff were turned down by Hockey India (HI) and Sports Authority of India (SAI).

The Indian hockey team has turned in stellar performances under Walsh’s guidance in the past year. The highlights are a Commonwealth Games silver, an Asiad gold ensuring direct qualification for Rio 2016 and a 3-1 series victory over Australia Down Under.

Rasquinha said:

“I am hopeful that he comes back. If you look at the overall results, he has done a wonderful job. The players are playing much better hockey. Leave aside the results, but in terms of the quality of hockey, their play has been very good.”

He added:

“It’s just so sad. I’m tired of speaking about it. I feel when there are such problems, all the stakeholders – be it Hockey India, Terry Walsh, sports ministry, SAI – you have to lock them up in a room, let them sit across the table and trash out all these issues. We should finally see everything for the good of Indian hockey. Good things are happening in Indian hockey for the last eight months and we should try our best to make sure that it continues.”

What Rasquinha really meant:

“And if they can’t resolve them, we should just throw away the key to the room.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“And while they’re at it, can we have some tea, coffee and snacks for the gentlemen? Terry Walsh can video-conference in, if he feels like it.”

Narendra Modi: What he said, really meant and definitely didn’t

Narendra Modi is not averse to ‘Cricket Diplomacy’.Embed from Getty ImagesWhat he said:

“We celebrate the legend of Bradman and the class of Tendulkar together.

We are impressed by Australian speed as you are charmed by the Indian spin Until of course Shane Warne came along!”

The Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi was all charm and humour in his address to the Australian parliament injecting references to three great cricketers, two Aussies and one Indian. He is the first Indian premier to visit the continent in 28 years.

What he really meant:

“Yeah, that’s what India-Australia relations have been all about for so many years. Cricket, cricket and more cricket. “

What he definitely didn’t:

“I’m sorry I left out all the Indian students Down Under. Some other time, perhaps. Can’t I label them ‘Made in India’ too?”