humor

Otto, the German Shepherd, analyses the US Open men’s draw

My dog, Otto the German Shepherd, is a tennis nut.

“You haven’t analysed the men’s draw for the US Open. Today’s the 27th and the tournament begins on the 29th.” pestered Otto.

“I know. I’ve just been a little wrapped up in other things.” I reply, tiredly.

“But you have to do the men’s draw. That’s like manna for tennis followers.” insists Otto.

“Oh, I’m sure, they are multiple draw analyses floating around the internet. The smart ones can visit USOpen.org and figure it out themselves.” I attempt to fob off my companion.

“But that’s not the point, is it? It’s good for you too. You can’t follow the US Open without delving into the draw. It’s like going into a dark night without a torch.” Otto is a member of the local debate club.

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Shivraj Singh Chouhan: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

What he said:

"In my view, Sachin Tendulkar should not play in IPL if his name is being considered for Bharat Ratna."

Madhya Pradesh (MP) Chief Minister (CM), Shivraj Singh Chouhan, believes that Sachin Tendulkar should “deservedly” receive the Bharat Ratna if the rules are changed to accommodate sportspersons.

This remark was made following demands from the hockey fraternity that if a sportsman is to receive the award, first-in-line should be Olympian legend, Major Dhyanchand.

The MP CM added:

“When players like Sachin Tendulkar are sold and bought, it really hurts. A player plays for the country and not for companies.”

What he really meant:

“The Bharat Ratna is the foremost honour the country can bestow upon its citizens. It should not be trivialised. It cannot be auctioned nor is it for sale.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“More free publicity for my party and me. Thank you, Sachin. Thank you, Dhyanchand.”

Ricky Ponting: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

What he said:

“If you were averaging 35 when I was playing your dad would go and buy you a basketball or a footy and tell you to play that.”

Ricky Ponting illustrates that the standards of Australian cricket have dropped in recent times with an apocryphal anecdote.

What he really meant:

“If you’re not averaging 40+ in Shield cricket, then you might as well pack it in.”

“Hmm, I wonder what I would have aggregated if we were playing T20 then.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“Now that explains why Australian rules football is more popular than cricket. ”

Maria Sharapova and Novak Djokovic: Head promos

Q & A With Rahul Dravid (Humour)

Rahul Dravid had a few words with MakeTimeForSports after the 4th Test Match at the Kennington Oval.

1) Should you be labelled the “Great  Wall Of India” instead?

I’m not sure I like that. I’m not crumbly, either.

2) What would you have, three tons or three Indian wins?

What a question! The wins, naturally. The tons, too—given a choice.

3) What’s with Rahul Dravid and England—a perpetual love story?

Sunshine does follow me to England, doesn’t it?

4) Retiring from ODIs was…

Overdue. Like Tendulkar’s 100th hundred.

5) Next stop, after retirement?

Another partnership with Dada (Saurav Ganguly), this time in the commentary box… What else?

Disclaimer: The interview is fictional but the character(s) are real.

Michael Holding: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

What he said:

“We wanted to beat everyone and whether they were white, black, green, pink, Australian, English, Pakistani – we just wanted to beat them.”

Former West Indian fast bowling great, Michael Holding, does not agree with the portrayal of the West Indian side of the 70s and 80s in the documentary, “Fire in Babylon”.

Holding said:

“It is very powerful, very political.I can’t say I’m 100 per cent with the final product to be honest, because I think the race thing was overplayed a little bit.”

He added:

“Some of the interviews they did with some of the Caribbean personalities didn’t really reflect how we as cricketers thought, but perhaps we are the sidelines.”

“At no time that I played in that team did I ever get the impression from anybody that we were playing against these people because they were former colonisers, I didn’t get that impression.”

“We were just playing cricket.”

What he really meant:

“We just wanted to be the best side in the world and play our best cricket. If we had to knock heads over, so be it.Race, colour and creed mattered little. We were secular—in that respect.”

What he definitely didn’t say:

“We loved having opposing batsmen turn all shades while facing us. Green (sick), white (fear) and red or purple(bruised).”

Mahendra Singh Dhoni: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

What he said:

“In principle, I’m okay with the brain mapping, but not if needles are poked everywhere.”

Mahendra Singh Dhoni is fine with IIM, Ranchi, mapping his cricketing brain to decipher the ‘reasons’ behind Team India’s World Cup triumph.

What he really meant:

“The mapping should be painless. What if they poke the wrong nerve?”

What he definitely didn’t:

“After succumbing to  pressure (India lost it’s World No.1 ranking)  and suffering a fractured ego, do you really think I want to submit myself to acupressure or acupuncture, in whatever guise?”

Caroline Wozniacki : What she said, really meant and definitely did not

What she said:

"I’m not going to forget how to play tennis in a few days."

Women’s No.1 , Caroline Woznicaki, dismisses suggestions that her US Open performance will be affected by her split from her current coach and father, Piotr Wozniacki.

What she really meant:

“I cannot play worse—without one. Can I?”

What she definitely didn’t say:

“If Marion (Bartoli) and Andy (Murray) can yell at their parents and entourage, why can’t I fire my dad?”

Q & A with Novak Djokovic (Humour)

1) The retirement in the final at Cincinnati to Andy Murray was…

Unfortunate. I had shoulder pain. He didn’t.

2)  Are you going to be donning a blonde wig again, anytime soon?

You enjoyed that? He he he.

3) Maria Sharapova said she’d prefer it if you were wearing a skirt while mimicking her…

It’s about performance meeting style. My performance, her style. He he he.

4) Maria says she’ll be  scripting a commercial too, to get her own back…

The more the merrier…

5) 57-2. Thoughts on that?

64-2 soon. I hope. I’m no machine and certainly not mechanic.

Disclaimer: The interview is fictional but the character(s) are real.

James Anderson: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

What he said:

“David Cameron was congratulating us on our recent achievements and I was looking for some clothes to put on.”

English fast bowler,James Anderson, wishes that the British Prime Minister, David Cameron, had a better sense of timing when he barged into the English team’s dressing room to congratulate them on their Indian summer.

What he really meant:

“Why do you think it’s called a ‘dressing room’?”

What he definitely didn’t:

“’Come Undone’ by Duran Duran is my favourite bathroom song.”