India

Q & A With Virender Sehwag

The dashing opening bat is back in the playing XI for the Edgbaston Test. A quick chat with the Dilli butcher at lunchtime on the first day.

1) How does it feel to be back in the Indian squad?

When was I ever out?

2) Speaking of out, what are your feelings about the first ball duck at Edgbaston?

I was still in net practice mode and Stuart Broad wasn’t. The ball kissed my gloves and I kissed my wicket goodbye.

3) Is there a Sehwag special in store in this series?

Sure, why not? Besides, in this series, even a 50 is highly significant (with due apologies to Rahul Dravid).

4) How is the shoulder holding up?

Not too well. You see, all the Rainas, Zaheers, Mukunds, Gambhirs and Yuvrajs are crying on my shoulder. It’s under a lot of strain. Not quite what the surgeon envisaged.

5) Do you see yourself in the wickets, as well?

I have to test out the shoulder and this is the perfect opportunity (in Bhajji’s absence).

Do say: Two triples and a 293.

Don’t say: Golden ducks.

Disclaimer: The character(s) are real but the interview is fictional.

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If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. Aristoteles Onassis

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Ravi Shastri and Sunil Gavaskar serving two masters?

“No man can serve two masters.Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.”

That’s what the Good Book states.

An article in Outlook India highlighted the inherent conflict of interest in the job profiles of Sunil Gavaskar and Ravi Shastri when they (supposedly) provide unbiased, expert comments on games involving India while at the same time they are contracted directly to the Board for Cricket Control in India (BCCI).

Poonam Pandey is the face of Mumbai’s ‘Slut Walk’

Mahendra Singh Dhoni: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

What he said:

“If he nicks and doesn’t walk it may be different, but apart from that he’s quite good.”

Mahendra Singh Dhoni feels that Virender Sehwag’s hearing problems may return if he nicks a ball to the ‘keeper, but for now, he’s more than fine.

What he really meant:

“Sehwag’s hearing will be as non-existent as the use of snickometer (in this series) should he nick an edge.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“I want Sehwag to sprint to the pavilion if he nicks one.”

Graeme Swann: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

What he said:

“I want to do them and their family ill. I want to hunt them down and do them harm. That feeling doesn’t last long.”

Graeme Swann feels murderous when any of his teammates misfield off his bowling.

What he really meant:

“I’m a skinflint when it comes to leaking runs off my bowling and I expect my teammates to feel the same way too.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“I was on the back-up team to hunt down Osama Bin Laden.”

Graeme Swann: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

What he said:

“We could be collecting bins or laying bricks on a cold morning in England.”

Graeme Swann believes that young cricketers are too soft and do not appreciate the benefits and perks of earning their living from playing the game.

What he really meant:

“Most cricketers would hate an alternative career—given a choice.How lucky are we?”

What he definitely didn’t:

“Cricket is a game played on cold winter mornings in England.”

Graeme Swann: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

What he said:

“I don’t think I could still be the light-hearted, piss-taking guy if I was in a position of authority.”

Graeme Swann prefers not being in a position of responsibility. He did not apply for the job of England skipper because he’d rather have fun on and off the field.

What he really meant:

“You know when you’re skipper you have to be this diplomatic guy careful not to hurt anyone’s feelings.Well, that’s not me.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“Being skipper is a bed of roses. You don’t have to take piss.”

Santosh Desai: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

What he said:

“The BCCI is a banana republic, it answers to no regulatory body.”

Santosh Desai, a social commentator, is under no illusions about how the BCCI conducts business. He was commenting on the conflict of interest inherent in Sunil Gavaskar and Ravi Shastri contracted to the  BCCI while offering their opinions for Sky Television.

What he really meant:

“The BCCI is a banana republic; working with it is akin to trying to retain one’s balance while treading a banana skin.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“Sunil Gavaskar and Ravi Shastri endorse plantains for the BCCI.”

Poonam Pandey: What she said, really meant and definitely did not

What she said:

“God gave women legs, so we show them off.”

Poonam Pandey, who made the headlines promising to strip if Team Indian won the ICC ODI World Cup, is not shy of making further provocative comments. She is to be one of the stars leading a Slutwalk in Mumbai—come September.

What she really meant:

“Legs are not just meant for walking, you know.”

What she definitely didn’t:

“How would you  like them, waxed or in all their hairy splendour?”

Ravi Bopara: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

What he said:

“Yeah, it’s dead right now in my car.”

Ravi Bopara has his life organized with an IPad—only it’s not charged. Bopara takes Jonathan Trott’s place in the third nPower Test at Edgbaston, Birmingham.

What he really meant:

“That I’m a mere cricketer does not mean I’m not tech savvy. Sure, it’s charged.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“My car batteries are dead too.”