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Ali Brown: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

Ali Brown, England and Surrey CCC Cricketer. Uploaded per request at Wikipedia:Images for upload. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What he said:

“I always believed that the day my age exceeds my batting average it would be time to consider calling time on my career.”

Ali Brown (Alistair Duncan Brown), former English cricketer, announces his retirement from county cricket (and Surrey) with a witticism. Ali is 41 and his first-class average is 42.67.

What he really meant:

“’41 out on 42’ is what I really wanted to say.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“I didn’t want to go out with my waist exceeding my batting average.”

Venus Williams: What she said, really meant and definitely did not

What she said:

“I just like to receive fun packages. I don’t open the packages with orthotics in them or the sports shorts. (Laughs) I’ll open the ones with the DVDs and the new books and the new clothes. I got a textbook in my last package—I find those exciting, sadly. [What subject?] Organizational behavior.”

Venus Williams loves to receive packages of any kind. Books, DVDs, clothes are par for the course. Textbooks are exciting, paradoxically.

What she really meant:

“It feels like Christmas every time I receive one.”

What she definitely did not: 

“I want a manual: ‘How To Play Tennis Like A Pro’. Get me one of those.”

Nasser Husain: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

What he said:

“All the best for your charity but no sympathies for your injured fingers for what you did to me in the NatWest final.”

Nasser Husain has a long memory. He may no longer don English colours but his bloody-mindedness survives. Yuvraj Singh is the target of the jab above.

What he really meant:

“I know what you can do—healthy and injury-free. Broady remembers too.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“Half a dozen roses for my Indian friend and a get-well-soon card, please. Overnight delivery.”

Kapil Dev: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

What he said:

“Everybody go ga ga about Sachin Tendulkar that ‘I learn from him and so on’. If you ask Virender Sehwag who is your guru he will say Sachin. If you ask Yuvraj, he will say Sachin. But I have never seen Sehwag or Sachin or Laxman, with their bundle of experience in batting, walking up to the bowlers to advise them the correct line to bowl.”

Kapil Dev Nikhanj is certain that the youngsters merely pay lip service tributes to the seniors in the side. The former Indian captain does not see the desired team spirit on the field.

What he really meant:

“If the bowlers keep repeating their mistakes and no one corrects them on the field, will they not continue in the same vein?”

What he definitely didn’t:

“What I really advocate is on-field coaching with microphones and headsets, specifically for this Indian side.”

Indian cricket: Bloody headlines, turnaround captains and a lesson

“A bad Board lets a good side down”

“RIP. World’s No.1 Test Team”

“India surrender No. 1 Test Spot”

“Humiliation is complete, No.1 crown lost”

The headlines in the DNA, Times Of India, Hindustan Times and Indian Express read as above on an Independence Sunday, for the Indian cricket fan to fully absorb a dismal, abrupt, abject  end to the Indian team’s pretensions to greatness.

The knives are out, reams of analysis will be printed, experts will make a million suggestions and scapegoats will be discovered and punished over the coming weeks and months.

Should the surrender be total, and it is certainly more than a mere possibility despite MS Dhoni’s brave words at the post-match conference, the stewardship of the Indian cricket team would be on the line.

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Michael Vaughan: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

What he said:

"He can’t stare at every move he makes and say ‘wow, look at Sachin’. As Test cricketers, you can’t worship an opponent. It is a battle. It is you against them.”

Michael Vaughan wants Ravi Bopara to get over the hero worship of his idol, Sachin Tendulkar, and get down to brass tacks in the third Test at Edgbaston.

What he really meant:

“I don’t want Ravi staring at Sachin like a love-struck pup. It’s war out there.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“Ravi, you can make goo-goo eyes at me, instead.”

Alastair Cook: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

What he said:

“It’s mad, isn’t it, how you can still be disappointed when you score 290-odd – I suppose only cricket can do that to you.”

Alastair Cook is surprised that he’s disappointed despite scoring 294 in the third Test at Edgbaston against the touring Indian side.

What he really meant:

“Give me more. Yeh dil maange more.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“’Far From The Maddening Game’—that will be the title of my autobiography.”

Mahendra Singh Dhoni: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

What he said:

“You won’t see a Sreesanth batting like a Don Bradman just because he wants to bat like one.”

Mahendra Singh Dhoni is realistic about his expectations from the tailenders in the Indian side in the Edgbaston post-match interview; tweaks in technique for English conditions can do just so much.

What he really meant:

“And you won’t see a Don Bradman bowl like Sreesanth because he wants to bowl like one. You get my point?”

What he definitely didn’t:

“I really don’t know what I’m saying. Why did I even drag Sree into this? Let’s just get the press conference over with.”

India Cricket: 5 conspiracy theories why Team India failed in England

1) In a mass séance, souls of Indian batsmen transposed into their English counterparts’ bodies. It’s no wonder, we have Kevin Pietersen batting like Sachin Tendulkar and Alastair Cook doing a Gautam Gambhir and Virender Sehwag—the best of both.

2) The cricketers’ families are being held hostage at gun-point by ex-SAS mercenaries. They will be released when the desired result is achieved—a 4-0 thrashing.

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Virender Sehwag apologizes for a ‘King Pair’ at Edgbaston