prize money

Dipika Pallikal triggers a ‘she’ change in National Sports (Satire)

Sarbananda Sonowal, Sports Minister of India, reacted swiftly to squash player Ms. Dipika Pallikal’s comments on sportswomen not receiving equal prize money at the Nationals.

Pallikal said:

“The reason is the same why I haven’t played in the last three years. I feel we deserve equal pay like most of the tournaments which are becoming equal prize money on the PSA professional circuit.

I don’t see why there should be a difference between men and women. I would have loved to play in Kerala and definitely miss playing the Nationals. If women have started getting equal prize money at professional tournaments around the word, why can’t the same happen in India?”

In a circular issued to all the National Sports Federations, the minister said:

“Henceforth, there is to be equal prize money distributed to both men and women players in all national level championships. In fact, there will be no prize money at all for participating in the nationals. This should end the debate about pay parity among the genders.”

While players reacted with shock, awe and disdain in varying proportions, organizers were at a loss as to how to felicitate the winners of these tourneys.

A spokesperson for the Senior National squash championship said:

“We could present ribbons or medals to the victors. Different color ribbons or medals for each place. Other suggestions from our innovators include tees proclaiming, ‘Senior National Squash Championship, THIRUVANANTHAPURAM. I was there. Were you?'”

Organizers at other senior championships were quite enthused about the changes after their initial shock.

“This will allow us to provide athletes two-star , if not three-star,  accommodation. No more dingy dormitories or dirty toilets and bathrooms. Every participant will be comfortable with the eating, drinking and living arrangements.”

Some men players were not so pleased.

They said:

“If women and men enjoy equality, then why aren’t men players allowed to wear skirts or skorts (i.e. skirts over shorts). This will allow us to move more freely on court. Why are our movements hampered so?”

A spokesman for a leading sports federation responded:

“The men have a point. Abolition of prize money will free up funds to equip our players better. We will be able to provide them designer clothing much like the Indian cricket team. In fact, we have sent out feelers to leading Scottish clothiers seeking quotes for kilts which are truly a unisex form of attire. We hope to be hearing from them soon.”

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. (Some facts and some “quotes” in this article are fabricated but you knew that already, didn’t you?)

DJ Jenny D: What she said, really meant and definitely did not

DJ Jenny D Is Provocatively Dissociative

What she said:

“Sensible people wouldn’t associate me with Poonam Pandey.”

Mumbai-based DJ Jenny will go nude to raise funds for the Indian national hockey team. Her decision comes in the wake of the uproar against a meagre Rs. 25,000 offered to the winners of Asian Champions Trophy. The Indian team beat Pakistan in the final to clinch the inaugural edition.

Jenny said:

There were stories of our hockey players not being able to afford the right footwear before the final. The measly prize money was only adding insult to injury. Compare this to the way cricketers are treated. The injustice is there for all to see. It’s a matter of serious concern.

A couple of portals have already approached me to buy the images. There’s also an international men’s magazine that has offered to pay me Rs 10 lakh for a nude cover shoot that would have just three hockey sticks in the frame.

Jenny is aware that her mode of raising funds will draw critics like flies to uncovered jam:

There are bound to be critics but when you come across injustice, you shouldn’t consider detractors. People in India don’t want to get out of that traditional shell. They forget we are in the 21st century.

Jenny D previously posed near-nude for a print campaign demanding reservation for women in the education and employment sectors.

What DJ Jenny really meant:

"Poonam Pandey’s a cricket-crazy publicity hound. I’m a hockey sophisticate."

“The hockey team (and I) really need the attendant publicity. At least, that’s my argument.”

What DJ Jenny definitely didn’t:

“Let’s title the campaign ‘Sense, Sensibility and Hockey’”

Rajpal Singh: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

Rajpal Singh Is Victoriously Disgruntled

What he said:

“Hockey players do not have shoes to wear.”

Indian hockey team skipper, Rajpal Singh, is justifiably bitter about the treatment meted out to hockey players and other sportsmen. The proud Sikh was speaking to Gaurav Kanthwal of the Times Of India (TOI)  News Network following the recent fiasco wherein returning triumphant players  were offered a piddly reward of Rs. 25,000 each for bringing home the inaugural Asian Champions Trophy.

In an earlier interview, the Indian captain slammed the revised prize money of Rs. 1.5 lakhs saying:

It was total injustice. It’s not just about 18 to 20 players who go play hockey, it’s about national pride, and they should have at least treated us well. Unless they encourage and motivate players, how can we promote the game? It’s very disappointing. We ought to have been rewarded well… It was wrong and this is not the way to treat the national players. Such incentives will not only demotivate us.

Field hockey is the national sport of India.

Rajpal said:

Jab sponsorship ki baat hoti hain toh players ko pata hi nahi chalta hain ki kya ho raha hain. (When it comes to sponsorship, the players are  clueless as to what’s happening.) Even when we travel abroad the sports authority of India spends and takes care of us. We wear sponsor shirts but, pata nahi kyun. Kuch nahi milta woh shirt pehenkar. (Nothing comes of wearing the sponsor’s shirt). Every player in the team’s upset.

Rajpal added that the Indian hockey skipper is hardly recognised as compared to his cricketing counterpart, MS Dhoni:

Agar hum cricket ko compare kare,BCCI ko hatake aur government ki baat kare toh cricket ko bhi utna hi izzat deti jitna hockey ko. (The government should give equal importance to hockey). But when they won the World Cup, then every state government facilitated (sic) their captain. Main apni baat nahi kah raha hoon, lekin hockey team ke captain ko kabhi bhi Dhoni ki tarah dekha nahi jaata hain. (I am not referring to myself but no hockey captain is adulated like Dhoni).

What Rajpal really meant:

“Rs, 25,000 can buy no more than two pairs of decent sports shoes. There are no real sponsors.”

“I wish the BCCI were running Indian hockey. They’d monetise everything.”

“We’re playing hockey, not hooky.”

What Rajpal definitely didn’t:

“It kind of reminds me of the glorious Indian past when our predecessors played barefoot.”

Team owners decide to simulate missing players in IPL (Satire)

IPL franchisee owners are clamouring for change.

Fed-up of being short-changed by the non-availability of key players, team honchos have decided to drive changes in the format of the IPL.

“After paying superstars millions of dollars, the least you could expect is that they would be on hand for the duration of the tournament.

But no such luck.”

“National team commitments are deemed more important”, complains a prominent  unnamed IPL co-owner.