humor

Sepp Blatter: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

Sepp Blatter Intends to Shake The Apple Tree, Long and Hard

What he said:

"It takes time to shake the tree until all bad apples have fallen to the ground.”

FIFA chief, Sepp Blatter, promises to clean up soccer’s governing body in an open letter addressed to the readers of “Inside World Football”.

Blatter recently ordered the reopening of the ISL case where it is alleged that FIFA and Olympic officials accepted kickbacks on marketing contracts.

The FIFA boss was re-elected President unopposed when Bin Hammam was provisionally suspended by FIFA’s ethics committee in June this year.

This is Blatter’s fourth consecutive term at the helm of international football.

Blatter wrote:

It would be disingenuous of me not to acknowledge reality, and the fact that we have been fighting an uphill struggle to calm nerves, initiate urgently needed reforms and at the same time adhere to a sense of reason during the stormiest of times.
FIFA’s last 100 days were among the most difficult in it’s over 100-year history.

Blatter added:

“It takes time to shake the tree until all bad apples have fallen to the ground. Even if some of them refuse to fall at first.”

Blatter concluded, saying:

In brief: I have initiated relevant and powerful change without "ifs" and "whens".
FIFA remains committed to walking the walk and won’t get stuck in solely talking the talk. By December, this will become clear for all to see. Until then, I invite everybody to bear with us so that we can clean house and come back to the public with facts that allow FIFA to enter a new decade of doing business. And never again revert to doing "business as usual".

What he really meant:

“It seems some bad apples are coated with super-glue. We’ll have to shake very hard and long.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“Am I not the apple of your eye? The largest and the tastiest.”

Ottis Gibson: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

Ottis Gibson Pitches For Seven-Up

What he said:

“Against this Indian batting line-up, you probably need seven bowlers.”

West Indies coach, Ottis Gibson, is none-too-optimistic about his side’s chances against a strong Indian batting line-up—in familiar Indian conditions.

What he really meant:

“In English, Australian or South African conditions, four bowlers can bowl them out every time.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“We’re going to do that. Seven bowlers, it is.”

Dean Jones: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

Dean Jones Gets Over It Finally With Simon Katich’s ‘Help’

What he said:

“In Katich’s last seven innings, he averaged only 29. I averaged over 85 from my last seven hits and he calls himself poorly treated?”

Dean Jones believes that two or more wrongs actually make a right.

The former Australian cricketer and commentator, affectionately referred to as “Professor Deano”, wrote:

Maybe Katich should talk to guys like Tom Moody, Jamie Siddons and Jamie Cox about how they were treated. Then he might think he has been treated better than he first thought.

Brad Hodge has been quite flippant on his non-selection, but it is sad he hasn’t played more for Australia. Unfortunately, that is just the way the cookie crumbles and he has handled this admirably.

Jones’ piece in “The Age” was titled,”Three words of ‘communication’ for Katich: get over it”

Jones added:

Let me tell you from experience it is awful being dropped. I was dropped seven times from the ODI team from 1986 to ’94. I was ranked the No. 1 player in the world by the ICC for four years during that time. I never got any feedback and never wanted it. I realised that no matter what you say, it won’t change their opinion. So why waste the energy? When your captain and coach don’t want you, then it’s time to go. Test cricket was taken away from me and I didn’t just want to play ODI cricket so I retired.

I love Katich as a player and he is a solid bloke. But, really, he is 36 and you don’t have to be Einstein to know that the selectors would pick Hussey and Ponting before him, no matter what he thinks of Clarke. My advice to Katich is to mentor the kids in New South Wales. Let me tell you from experience, he will get a lot of fun out of it!

When your international career is finished, you feel something has died in you. It is hard to deal with. Depression can take over. This is a time when your support network must help you. One day you are in the inner sanctum and you owned the dressing rooms, the next day you’re not allowed back in. It is a gut-wrenching experience and it will take Katich a year or so to get over it.

It took me two years to get over my sacking. I just put all my effort into the Vics. I got a huge amount of fun in helping the likes of Hodge, Elliott, Williams, Harvey and others. There is so much pleasure in helping young kids following their dreams trying to play for Australia. I hope Katich does the same. He still has so much to offer to Australian cricket.

Players of today want more feedback from the selectors. Well that’s OK, as long as they accept the fact they might not like what the selectors have to say! Ultimately, the players must work it out for themselves.

What Dean Jones really should have said:

“Katich, I’m impressed by your oratory. Why waste your time at the crease when I have an open spot for you in the commentary box?”

What Dean Jones definitely didn’t:

“Katich and I are to co-author a book,’A Walk Down Aussie Cricketing History: Selectors’ Foibles and Follies Lovingly Recalled.’”

MS Dhoni: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

MS Dhoni And Wife Sakshi Are ‘Digitally Bound’

What he said:

“Finally everything over for today,press conference,team meeting,match referee meeting so my wife thinks its time for her to eat my head.”

Indian skipper, MS Dhoni, shares the trials and tribulations of attending to spousal duties after discharging his cricketing ones.

Dhoni updated his Twitter page with the above quote.

The next tweet was a gem:

“Me and my wife (Sakshi) in the same room but communicating via twitter.”

Now, you and I know how to communicate with our partners. If it’s good enough for the Indian skipper, it’s good enough for us.

What MS Dhoni really meant:

“I’d rather negotiate the West Indian quicks than an unhappy spouse.”

What MS Dhoni definitely didn’t:

“My wife’s a cannibal and dinner starts from the top. She’s also a Hannibal Lecter fan.”

Martin Whitmarsh: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

Martin Whitmarsh Wants Lewis Hamilton To Be A Man

What he said:

“They are men, they have got to figure it out for themselves.”

McLaren team boss, Martin Whitmarsh, feels that Lewis Hamilton and Felipe Massa are mature  enough to settle their differences themselves minus intermediation.

Hamilton and Massa have clashed six times on the track this season.

Whitmarsh believes that being second within his own team has contributed to Hamilton’s frustrations.

The McLaren team principal said:

Lewis, the great and exciting driver that he is, will not like being beaten by Jenson. For any driver, the first driver you want to beat is your team mate.

Lewis will be feeling under pressure because of the great performances from Jenson at the moment. I don’t want him to enjoy being beaten by his team-mate. I want him to try to beat Jenson, just as I want Jenson to try to beat Lewis.

Jenson Button is second in the individual drivers’ standings with 240 points behind Sebastian Vettel.

What Whitmarsh really meant:

“I’d really prefer it if they could just arm-wrestle instead of damaging my car.”

What Whitmarsh  definitely didn’t:

“Vamos, Massa!”

Shahid Afridi: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

Shahid Afridi Will Retire One Final Time—When He Does

What he said:

“The next time I retire will be the last time.”

Shahid Afridi is clear that when he next intends to retire, it will be final.

The former Pakistani skipper announced his conditional retirement following differences with former PCB President Ijaz Butt and then coach Waqar Younis.

Afridi said:

“I stopped playing because of Butt. He has gone now and I am back. I am fit and want to play. The next time I retire will be the last time.”

On the changes in the PCB’s composition:

The new chairman’s impressive. He’s run a lot of companies, so he knows how to manage people and I hope it will be a good change. Butt was poor during his tenure. If you look at the things that happened, it’s clear he didn’t do a good job. I think he needs to have some rest – he is in his seventies – he is an old man.

Zaka Ashraf is the new PCB chairman.

What he really meant:

“Next time, the one after that, and the one after—they’ll all be final, conditionally.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“Tomorrow never comes and Butt never goes.”

Alastair Cook: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

Alastair Cook Clusters His Excuses

What he said:

“We know you can lose wickets in clusters and we seem to have lost 10 there in a cluster.”

Alastair Cook cannae explain how his team lost their way in a run-chase against Team India in Kolkatta.

England were 129 for no loss chasing India’s 271 for eight only to collapse to 176 all out.

The loss completed a 5-0 rout at the hands of the current World Champions.

What he really meant:

“We got hit by a series of cluster bombs. We term them spinners.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“Humpty Dumpty and his men had a great fall.”

Samantha Stosur: What she said, really meant and definitely did not

Samantha Stosur Is The Lesser Offender When It Comes To Grunting

What she said:

“I make noise when I hit the ball as well.  It’s just not so screechy.  So nobody really says anything about it.”

Australian tennis star, Samantha Stosur, admits that she’s a grunter as well.

Her statement came in the wake of No.1 Caroline Wozniacki’s remark that some players use the sounds to their advantage.

What she really meant:

“Grunting’s OK. Screeching, screaming and shrieking’s not.”

What she definitely didn’t:

“Just call me ‘Shre(e)k’”.

Kevin Pietersen: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

Kevin Pietersen Says ‘No Bio’ on Graeme Swann’s Cricketing Career

What he said:

“I still do not agree to anyone writing a book in the middle of his career.”

English cricketer Kevin Pietersen makes his moments count.

After guiding Graeme Swann’s T20 side to its only victory on Indian soil in the return series, the South-African born player communicated his views about the off-spinners autobiography.

Swann criticised Pietersen’s leadership in his book, saying he should never have skippered the English side.

What he really meant:

“The chapter named Kevin Pietersen is not yet closed.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“Maybe, cricketers should take a cue from the Don (Bradman) and pen one right at the outset.”

Mats Wilander: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

Mats Wilander Pegs Caroline Wozniacki As ‘Mentally Deficient’ at the Slams

What he said:

“She’s certainly not the best player in the world at her best, but at her worst she’s probably the best player in the world compared to the others."

Seven time major  winner and former Numero Uno Mats Wilander questions Caroline Wozniacki’s pedigree despite her finishing No.1 two years in succession.

The Dane has yet to win a major falling short every time in her Grand Slam aspirations.

Wilander said:

The thing is we know she can win small tournaments, what we don’t know is if mentally she can win the big ones. We know Wozniacki has the head to be consistent but we don’t know if she’s got the head to wrap her thoughts around winning a Grand Slam. Her game is not there just yet.

Wilander feels that Wozniacki is clueless at the majors because she cannot access on-court coaching.

To be honest, the mistake that she is doing is that she is getting different treatment on the WTA tour than she does at the Grand Slams because of the on-court coaching. You have to look at the obvious reasons I’m not in favor of it for her because she seems lost compared to when she’s getting coached.

Consistency, rather than brilliance, is the reason for Wozniacki’s ascendancy, says Wilander:

“The ranking is the result of not necessarily being the best player in the world, it’s the result of being the most consistent player in the world. That’s what it reflects.”

Wilander questioned Wozniacki’s commitment to winning Slams:

"Her range is very narrow, very even. But is she playing to be the number one in the world, to win lots of matches and make a lot of money or is she playing to win grand slams. I guess you’ll have to ask her that."

Wilander believes that Czech Petra Kvitova has the weapons and the temperament to dethrone the Dane of Polish origin:

Absolutely. Kvitova is going to be inconsistent because of the way she plays but mentally she is very consistent. She always looks for a way out and looks to come forward and be aggressive, she is happy to go to the net and make her opponents miss.

She is very natural in figuring out what she needs to do with her game. Unlike Caroline she’s already proved she can raise her game to win a slam.

What Mats Wilander really meant:

“The best of Ms. Wozniacki does not quite match the best of the likes of Li Na, Samantha Stosur, Serena Williams, Petra Kvitova or Vera Zvonareva. Her worst, however, is better than their worst. The pendulum swings more in their case.”

What Mats Wilander definitely didn’t:

“How about Ms. Wozniacki  endorsing ‘Cruise Control’?”