humor

Kapil Dev: What He Said, Really Meant and Definitely Did Not

Kapil Dev Is In A Funk

What he said:

“Spin bowling is an art and so is fast bowling. All artists are crazy and similarly whoever wrote the book for Shoaib is also crazy between his ears.”

Former Indian skipper, Kapil Dev, is “artistic” in his denouncement of Shoaib Akhtar’s remarks concerning Sachin Tendulkar in his autobiography, “Controversially Yours.”

The all-rounder was delivering the 3rd Dilip Sardesai Memorial Lecture at the Cricket Club of India in Mumbai on September 29, 2011.

What he really meant:

“The co-author (Anshu Dogra) of Shoaib’s biography is simply nuts—by association.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“What a load of spin on a fast bowler’s life story.”

Ashish Nehra: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

Ashish Nehra Prefers History To Geography

What he said:

“Aapne Kerala se Srinagar tak sabko chance diya hai. Sirf Ashish Nehra hi nahin hain (You have given opportunities to all and sundry from Kerala to Srinagar—just not me).”

Medium pacer, Ashish Nehra, caustically bemoans the fickleness of Indian selectors. The veteran bowler was left out for the English tour and finds himself sitting out the return ODI series against England at home.

Nehra said:

"Please check the records, which India bowler has bowled maximum number of overs at the death in last two years. You want me to prove my fitness but then I am not even good enough to be in any of the Challenger Trophy teams.”

The left-arm seamer said that he would consider participating in foreign leagues “if the Board allows.”

“I can go and play in Big Bash or Pro-40. Or else, I will play with my little son." averred Nehra.

What he really meant:

“The selectors are truly farsighted; they failed to notice me—right under their noses.”

“Now, if the selectors had considered history instead of geography, I’d be sitting pretty."

What he definitely didn’t:

“Arre baba, if RP Singh could be yanked back into the side (evidently unfit), why not me? So unfair.”

Kapil Dev: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

Kapil Dev Has No Time For Records—Sachin’s

What he said:

“We have to change our mindset. If we lose the match, what’s the use of statistics? To hell with that!”

Former Indian captain, Kapil Dev Nikhanj, is crystal clear that the Indian cricket team must come before individual achievements. The 1983 World Cup winning skipper was delivering the Dilip Sardesai lecture at the Cricket Club of India (CCI).

He said:

You seem more keen about Sachin’s 99 hundreds and not about how we are going to win the next series.

I am not saying don’t give credit to individual performances, but the country should come first.

 

Everyone knows Sachin has 99 centuries, but how many know which of those have ended in victories? Out of Sachin’s 99 hundreds, 60 have ended in wins. If anyone reports that I’ll be happy.

What he really meant:

“Surely, you folks don’t remember my 434 wickets and the inexorably slow overhaul of Sir Richard Hadlee‘s record. Now, that’s a statistic!”

What he definitely didn’t:

“Sorry, Sreenath, for keeping you out of the Indian side while I was pursuing my world record. Tendulkar’s merely emulating me—on a larger scale.”

Li Na: What she said, really meant and definitely did not

Li Na Is From Venus

What she said:

"Women cannot have the same mentality of men, who expect to win every competition."

Li Na is inventive with her excuse for not doing well post her Roland Garros triumph this year. The Chinese woman became the first Asian ever to win a Grand Slam at the French Open.

What she really meant:

“Sports requires us (women) to be takers. But we’re givers (by nature)—just ask my hubby and my opponents.”

What she definitely didn’t:

“Martina Navratilova, Steffi Graf, Monica Seles and Serena Williams are more than pleased with this explanation.”

Graeme Swann: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

Graeme Swann reflects on his former, ‘loony’ self.

What he said:

"Graeme Swann the captain would never pick Graeme Swann the kid.”

English off-spinner, Graeme Swann, while thrilled to lead national T20 side, believes that his younger self would not have found a place in the side—under him.

Swann added:

But the one regret I have about the young lunatic Graeme Swann is that there was not much Twenty20 around then. I’m sure I would be pretty good at it because I could bat in those days. I would have had a way of staying in the England squad for a few years while I developed my skills in the longer form.

The T20 skipper admitted that "the young lunatic is still in there, but I manage to hide him most of the time."

On the captaincy allowing him to exhibit his mind’s keen edge, Swann said,

No one would have believed this five years ago, least of all myself. It’s surreal in a way, but I have always harboured ambitions of captaining at first-class level and it is nice that I have got a chance if only for a couple of games to show the inner workings of my mind.

On leading in the abbreviated format:

It’s a reactions game. You can start with grandiose plans about how you want to start and they can change quickly. I am not sure it will be too maverick or out of the box, but I like to think I will be attacking. It is important in this form of the game to take wickets. That is what won us the World Twenty20.

Swann feels T20 games should replace ODIs:

It is the biggest game in the short format and somewhere down the line we will have to treat it a bit more seriously and play series of Twenty20 games.We are world champions but going into Sri Lanka we will only play half a dozen games or so in this format before that World Cup starts. For every touring team that comes over it will not be frowned upon if there was a three-game ODI series and a three-game Twenty20 series. That makes more sense than five one-dayers.

Swann disclaimed that his opinion coincided with those of the English Cricket Board (ECB), saying, “These are my views, not the views of my employer.”

What Swann really meant:

“Graeme Swann, the kid, would be such a pain in the butt for Graeme Swann, the No.1 off-spinner, skipper and elder statesman.”

What Swann definitely didn’t:

“There is a Graeme Swann in the younger lot.”

Roger Federer: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

Roger Federer Pushes Stan The Man’s ‘Buttons’

What he said:

If Stan wants me to do some push-ups to pump him up, I’ll do that, if he wants me to sleep on the floor of his bed[room] I’ll do that, to keep him warm as we’re both missing our children and stuff, so whatever he wants me to do I’m relaxed at this point. I’ll be here tomorrow of course – except if he doesn’t want me.

Roger Federer was ready to do almost anything to help his Davis Cup teammate, Stanislas Wawrinka, clinch his tie against Lleyton Hewitt. Wawrinka needed just six points to win his five setter on Monday, 19th September, 2011. Switzerland beat Australia in Australia—the final score read 3-2.

What he really meant:

“No Mirka, no kids, just us guys. It ought to have been an enjoyable guys outing Down Under but  we’re home buddies now.Stan, let’s get back home—pronto.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“Stan and I are gonna yodel into the night and read out aloud our kids’ favourite bedtime tale ‘Heidi’.”

DJ Jenny D: What she said, really meant and definitely did not

DJ Jenny D Is Provocatively Dissociative

What she said:

“Sensible people wouldn’t associate me with Poonam Pandey.”

Mumbai-based DJ Jenny will go nude to raise funds for the Indian national hockey team. Her decision comes in the wake of the uproar against a meagre Rs. 25,000 offered to the winners of Asian Champions Trophy. The Indian team beat Pakistan in the final to clinch the inaugural edition.

Jenny said:

There were stories of our hockey players not being able to afford the right footwear before the final. The measly prize money was only adding insult to injury. Compare this to the way cricketers are treated. The injustice is there for all to see. It’s a matter of serious concern.

A couple of portals have already approached me to buy the images. There’s also an international men’s magazine that has offered to pay me Rs 10 lakh for a nude cover shoot that would have just three hockey sticks in the frame.

Jenny is aware that her mode of raising funds will draw critics like flies to uncovered jam:

There are bound to be critics but when you come across injustice, you shouldn’t consider detractors. People in India don’t want to get out of that traditional shell. They forget we are in the 21st century.

Jenny D previously posed near-nude for a print campaign demanding reservation for women in the education and employment sectors.

What DJ Jenny really meant:

"Poonam Pandey’s a cricket-crazy publicity hound. I’m a hockey sophisticate."

“The hockey team (and I) really need the attendant publicity. At least, that’s my argument.”

What DJ Jenny definitely didn’t:

“Let’s title the campaign ‘Sense, Sensibility and Hockey’”

Rajpal Singh: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

Rajpal Singh Is Victoriously Disgruntled

What he said:

“Hockey players do not have shoes to wear.”

Indian hockey team skipper, Rajpal Singh, is justifiably bitter about the treatment meted out to hockey players and other sportsmen. The proud Sikh was speaking to Gaurav Kanthwal of the Times Of India (TOI)  News Network following the recent fiasco wherein returning triumphant players  were offered a piddly reward of Rs. 25,000 each for bringing home the inaugural Asian Champions Trophy.

In an earlier interview, the Indian captain slammed the revised prize money of Rs. 1.5 lakhs saying:

It was total injustice. It’s not just about 18 to 20 players who go play hockey, it’s about national pride, and they should have at least treated us well. Unless they encourage and motivate players, how can we promote the game? It’s very disappointing. We ought to have been rewarded well… It was wrong and this is not the way to treat the national players. Such incentives will not only demotivate us.

Field hockey is the national sport of India.

Rajpal said:

Jab sponsorship ki baat hoti hain toh players ko pata hi nahi chalta hain ki kya ho raha hain. (When it comes to sponsorship, the players are  clueless as to what’s happening.) Even when we travel abroad the sports authority of India spends and takes care of us. We wear sponsor shirts but, pata nahi kyun. Kuch nahi milta woh shirt pehenkar. (Nothing comes of wearing the sponsor’s shirt). Every player in the team’s upset.

Rajpal added that the Indian hockey skipper is hardly recognised as compared to his cricketing counterpart, MS Dhoni:

Agar hum cricket ko compare kare,BCCI ko hatake aur government ki baat kare toh cricket ko bhi utna hi izzat deti jitna hockey ko. (The government should give equal importance to hockey). But when they won the World Cup, then every state government facilitated (sic) their captain. Main apni baat nahi kah raha hoon, lekin hockey team ke captain ko kabhi bhi Dhoni ki tarah dekha nahi jaata hain. (I am not referring to myself but no hockey captain is adulated like Dhoni).

What Rajpal really meant:

“Rs, 25,000 can buy no more than two pairs of decent sports shoes. There are no real sponsors.”

“I wish the BCCI were running Indian hockey. They’d monetise everything.”

“We’re playing hockey, not hooky.”

What Rajpal definitely didn’t:

“It kind of reminds me of the glorious Indian past when our predecessors played barefoot.”

David Lloyd: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

David Lloyd Shaves No Corners

What he said:

“I took my dog for a clipping this morning. She flipping hates it even though it costs three times as much as my £8 cut at Mr Trimm’s.”

David Lloyd aka Bumble is flipper than ever taking his pet out for a trim.

What he really meant:

“I can walk the dog, talk the dog but chop her? Mighty expensive.”

“A haircut (for her) is a flea in my bonnet.”

“My bitch is high maintenance.”

What he definitely didn’t :

“I think I’ll start cutting my hair myself.”

Amir Khan: What he said, really meant and definitely did not

Amir Khan wants to box a ‘Chicken’

What he said:

In my opinion, Mayweather is a chicken. He is doing everything to avoid me just as he did everything to avoid fighting Manny Pacquiao. I don’t want to sound cocky or arrogant but I believe the real reason for Mayweather avoiding me is that he knows I have his number. Mayweather knows if he ever fights me his ‘zero’ will go.

Amir Khan is spoiling for a fight with Floyd Mayweather Jr. The unified WBA and IBF world champion would like to end Mayweather’s streak of 39 unbeaten bouts.

What he really meant:

“I’m merely upholding the long-held tradition of trash-talking my opponent before a match-up.It makes for great  copy in the press.”

What he definitely didn’t:

“Run, chicken, run.”