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Major Dhyan Chand is the new men’s hockey coach (Satire)

(This is a work of fiction).

Following a special committee meeting ‘preponed‘ to Thursday, Hockey India chief Narinder Batra briefed the media on the selection of the men’s hockey coach.

Dhyan Chand (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Batra said:

“We have decided to select the late Major Dhyan Chand as the coach of the men’s squad until the 2016 Rio Olympics. We do not need foreign coaches. We have an illustrious forebear to look up to. Dhyan Chand is a source of pride and inspiration for all generations and we believe that he is the best we can present the boys under the circumstances. This is also HI’s way of posthumously honoring the man given the Indian government has yet to make him a Bharat Ratna.”

When asked how the players’ skills are   to be honed, given that Major Dhyan Chand is not a living personality, Batra replied:

“India has a proud tradition of guru-shishya relationships. Our boys will be modern-day Ekavalyas to Indian hockey’s Dronacharya. Just like Ekavalya proved himself to be a better archer than Arjun despite the master’s absence, our boys will prove themselves on the hockey field and cover themselves in reflected glory. As a mark of respect to Ekavalya who lost his thumb as ‘guru dakshina’, Hockey India will not accept sponsorship from the Coca Cola company, specifically its brand Thums Up, and will also be banning the hand sign as a congratulatory or celebratory gesture.”

It is learnt that life-size statues of the hockey great have been commissioned and will be installed at every practice field in the country. Smaller sized busts of the major  will accompany the team on tour.

Batra added:

“This practice is being tried on a trial-only basis for a period of one year. Should the hockey team fail to perform as expected, more life-size statues and busts may be commissioned of other Indian hockey greats or foreign coaches as desired. The cost savings are substantial and will improve Hockey India and Sporting Authority of India’s finances. This will also still mouths in the media that claim that I have an ego problem and am responsible for a ‘revolving door’ when it comes to selecting and firing key support personnel.”

Major Dhyan Chand’s family members declined to comment when contacted.

Disclaimer: All facts and quotes in this story are made up, but you knew that already, didn’t you?

‘Made in India’ or imported? Coach debate begins…

The furor over Paul Van Ass’ dismissal has barely died down and the debate shifts to whether Indian hockey would be better served by a home-grown coach.

It is evident that Van Ass may have been on Sports Authority of India(SAI)’s payroll but Hockey India satrap Narinder Batra’s writ runs large on the appointment or removal of key support personnel.

The above assumes significance in the context of Dhanraj Pillay’s telephonic conversation with the HI chief suggesting that it’s time to look at national talent in the recruitment of coaching staff.

Dhanraj Pillay, former Indian field hockey player and captain(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Speaking to DNA India, Pillay said:

“I called Batra yesterday (Monday) after all this happened and told him that it was time they considered an Indian for the coach’s job.

Batra sounded very positive about the idea of an Indian coach. He told me that they will definitely think of an Indian coach now.”

Batra confirmed the news:

“Yes, he did call me and we had a chat about this. We will take all decisions after that meeting on July 24.”

A special committee meets on Friday to deliberate over Van Ass’ fate.

Narinder Batra, meanwhile, lost no time launching a scathing attack on the Dutchman.

Calling Van Ass “a liar”, Batra claimed that he had sought the erstwhile coach’s permission before speaking to the team.

He said:

“India’s match against Malaysia got over and the team had done the victory lap. The sponsors and organisers said ‘the team wants to meet you’ and I asked if I was suppose to go on the ground. They said yes and went down’. The first person I met was Paul and then I met the team. We had formed a circle and I asked the coach if I could speak to the players. Paul said yes and that was when I started speaking to them.

I was talking to them in Hindi. I spoke for about 45-50 seconds and told them that ‘your performance needs to be consistent. You had defeated Australia in Australia. You need to be more consistent as you guys are playing together for four years now. Nobody likes to lose, not even the sponsors. So you need to be winning more’.

My next sentence would have been that forget about all the previous matches and concentrate on the upcoming games and try to be in the final. But before I could finish, Paul intervened and said ‘I am the coach and you leave’. His tone was pretty rude.

Then I left, saying that ‘we will talk about this later, we need to talk about this, Paul’. After that India played two more matches, even the women’s team was playing, I watched those matches but Paul never had the time to come to me or ask for any time.”

It is a foregone conclusion that if Van Ass’ ouster is ratified, Indian hockey, in all probability, will have an Indian coach till the Rio Olympics.

From cricket to basketball to soccer, sports federations in India have opted to hire foreign coaches to fill the lacunae between what locals can offer and what internationals bring to the table.

That it also helps counter allegations of parochialism and regionalism dogging the appointment of local candidates is besides the point.

I am not going to argue the merits or demerits of either policy.

What Indian hockey does not need is a stop-gap measure wherein a candidate steps in and molds the side till the Olympics and is then either lionized or made the sacrificial lamb depending on the results achieved.

Continuity has to be the name of the game.

And it would help even further, if recognised coaches were introduced at all levels starting from the sub-juniors to the seniors so that players are grounded in the basics at the right age.

The seniors may grab the headlines and the glory but it’s the youngsters who are hockey’s future and they need to be told in no uncertain terms that they are not being handed step-motherly treatment until they are done weaning.

Paul Van Ass is sacked to salve Batra’s ego

Hockey India (HI) president Narinder Batra is at it again.

This time, it’s Paul Van Ass—the latest incumbent in the chief coach’s hot seat.

Terry Walsh, the previous coach, was unceremoniously dumped by Sports Authority of India (SAI) following Batra’s allegations of financial impropriety.

His replacement, Van Ass, stepped in to prevent a dressing down of his players during the Hockey World League in Belgium following their quarter-final win against Malaysia.

This did not go down well with the HI chief.

The result—a sacked Van Ass.

Indian hockey loses yet another coach and Van Ass’ experiment with Total Hockey ends prematurely.

Indian Hockey is poorer from this rapid-fire chopping and changing of coaching personnel. The churn in support personnel is probably more than within the side itself.

Viren Rasquinha, former India player and CEO of Olympic Gold Quest, commented:

“It doesn’t matter whether the next coach is an Indian or foreigner. When we ask ourselves about our new coach, there are two things that we need to know. One, who are the people who can coach our team. And secondly, the most important question is that who will want to come here knowing that there is absolutely no job security.

How can we give a team in transition a chance to move forward when the coach keeps changing? A new coach brings his own ideas. He goes out, another idea comes in. We don’t need that.

We are now running out of options. There are not many people who are available. What we need to realise is that every new coach needs a certain amount of time to settle in. He will take a few months to know the system, the players and the situation that they find themselves in. Starting from scratch is a new coach’s biggest problem and it seems to be happening on a far too regular basis here.”

Rasquinha added:

“The performances in Antwerp were bad. You look at the participating teams there and you wouldn’t be satisfied with a fourth place performance. We scraped through against France, beating Poland 3-0 was expected.

Pakistan didn’t play full strength and yet we drew 2-2. But what shocked everyone was the 15 goals we conceded in the next three games against Australia (2-6), Belgium (0-4) and Great Britain (1-5). I don’t remember the last time an Indian team conceded that many goals in three games.”

Terry Walsh reacted thus:

“I’m not surprised. This must be the next part of the puzzle.”

He added:

“I’m saddened by what I see and hear. I don’t know what transpired between them (Batra and Van Ass) but I believe HI is simply not in sync with what’s going on globally.

I’m not saying that Van Ass or myself are the best fit, but it’s incredibly important from the point of view of not just Indian hockey but world hockey, that HI give a better account of themselves and what they do and how they do it because whatever they are doing is inappropriate.

When I was India coach, I tried to establish a greater say for the High Performance Director Roelant Oltmans. I wasn’t asking anything for myself, but was only trying to get better protocol, where people who knew what they were doing were making the decisions rather than people who didn’t. But now it’s people, who don’t understand what’s required at the international level, who are making decisions again. This is a case of ego vs common sense.

I watched India play at the HWL in Belgium and felt very sad. They’ve lost quite a bit and I can’t blame them because they’ve been pushed through a series of cultural changes with so many coaches in and out. Brasa brought in European knowledge and tried to club it with the Asian style. After him, Nobbs spent a lot of time doing nothing. Then, I mixed the Australian and Asian style. Now, Van Ass brought in the European model again. Spare a thought for the lads who are forced to cope with all this. Consequently, Indian hockey is deteriorating with each passing month.” 

India’s recent performances especially at the Asian Games where the team won gold and thus qualified directly for the 2016 Rio Olympics has Indian fans hoping that there will be a podium finish in the offing next year.

These hopes may be belied.

The gap between top international sides  and the also-rans is yawning.

India is ranked ninth; Australia, Netherlands,Germany, Belgium and England are in the top five.

The results speak for themselves. Unless the men’s hockey team can beat the best of the best on a consistent basis and in tournament play and not bilateral series where coaches field experimental sides, dreams of a medal are just that.

Discontinuity in coaching personnel and playing styles can only worsen the prognosis.

The clash of egos off the field only foretell more misery for Team India on it.

IPL Governing Council buys time for all concerned, except the fans

Trust the BCCI (more specifically, the IPL Governing Council) to appoint a working group to look into the recommendations of the Lodha panel.

Franchises’ input into the process is ostensibly the reason touted by the council.

It is an excuse to buy more time. It does not come as a surprise; the BCCI is split into two warring factions, one for ICC chief N Srinivasan and the other against.

The BCCI has six additional weeks to arrive at a decision.

“The show must go on,” says IPL chairman Rajiv Shukla.

It’s evident that there will be another IPL next year with eight teams, not six.

There will be yet another auction, the players and support staff will be happy that they are not monetarily or otherwise affected, the Supreme Court verdict will be honored—if not in principle.

The question on everyone’s mind: What is N Srinivasan going to do?
Embed from Getty Images
His position as ICC chairman is even more untenable by the day.

Can he pull yet another rabbit out of his hat?

The governing council’s decision has given him time to ponder his limited options.

If the BCCI (and the ICC) is serious about clearing the mess that is the IPL, the India Cements strongman has to exit.

Whether the CSK and RR franchises are terminated is moot. The Supreme Court verdict is less harsh than what the rules dictate.

Teams have been terminated for less.

The BCCI has painted itself into an inglorious corner with its inability and unwillingness to clean up its Augean stables.

It waited for the Supreme Court to burn them down, instead.

Is it now delaying only for the Supreme Court commission to drive the final nail into its coffin when it completes its investigation into the allegations against IPL COO Sundar Raman?

That will be Judgment Day indeed.

Is Tiger Woods finished?

Is Tiger Woods finished?

A second consecutive failure at making the cut in a major probably has sports journalists scurrying to pen obituaries for probably the greatest golfer the sport has ever seen.

Woods last won a major in 2007. Since then, he has battled injuries, an infidelity scandal with the fallout a divorce and intensified scrutiny of his private life and the results have just dried up since.

Jilted lovers and wives who have been subjected to philandering husbands may discover some poetic justice in the high-profile athlete’s predicament and subsequent travails. It would be hard put for anyone (with an axe to grind or not) to not see some connection between his fall from grace and his fall in the rankings since.

That’s as it may be. That’s not for us to decide or deride.

Woods seemed to be putting it all behind him when he recovered his much-vaunted form and reached the apex of the rankings in 2013.

But the Slams still eluded him.

I don’t watch golf. I probably never will.

But there was something mesmerizing about a Cablinasian (Caucasian, Black, American Indian, and Asian) male making it to the top echelons of a sport considered the last white man’s bastion and that too in style. His egalitarian appeal transcended race and nationality and he was the face and spur behind Nike’s foray into the game.

Woods may never win another major. He may never make it past Jack Nicklaus’ 18 Grand Slams.

Arguably, he may never go down as the greatest golfer of all time.

But he deserves to be allowed a chance to enjoy the game in which he achieved greatness, he deserves to be cut some slack while he goes about reinventing his swing and other aspects—yet again. Like all superlative sportsmen, the man craves perfection and it would be foolish to dismiss his reactions to his recent failures as living in the past or excessively positive.

Golf, thankfully, is not a young man’s sport. At least, that’s what pundits would have us believe. I’m not too sure given that major winners are getting younger by the generation.

But the game and its fans will always be thankful to the man who made it one for the masses across the classes in his era and the next.

MS Dhoni announces retirement from IPL, signs up for ISL (Satire)

In a surprise announcement that again bewildered fans and critics, Mahendra Singh Dhoni announced his signing up as a marquee player for Chennaiyin Football Club in the Indian Soccer League (ISL).

The Indian ODI skipper is co-owner of the city club and will now represent the side in the next edition of the football league at the end of this year.

Dhoni announced his retirement from club T20 cricket effectively ending speculation about his future in the Indian Premier League (IPL).

The wicket-keeper batsman said:

“I have decided to discontinue my association with Chennai Super Kings and the IPL but my love affair with Chennai continues. I would love to give back to the metropolis that has adopted me with such passion and love over the past eight years. I have always loved playing soccer since my school days. Cricket was a fortuitous accident that has rewarded me in abundance. But I am still young and would love to ,maybe, emulate my idol Sir Vivian Richards who represented Antigua in soccer. I am a sportsman at heart—whatever the game. Soccer will also allow me to use my head more. The two months off from the IPL will be accommodated here. My commitment to the ISL is total and my playing for Team India (cricket) will be scheduled around the ISL league games.”

He added:

“I would love to try out my heads, hands and feet at other sports as well. In the future, I will also be looking at Motocross racing and kabaddi as possible outlets for the zing and zest within me.”

Abhishek Bacchan, co-owner of Chennaiyin FC, said:

“We are proud to have MSD as part of the team. We believe that he is a great motivator and can move our franchise right to the top of the league. Besides, after years of practice catching a small, red cricket ball, grasping a larger one under the bar should be a cinch.”

Disclaimer: The personalities are real but the story is fictional. Some facts (and figures) are made up, but you knew that already, didn’t you?

BCCI and its IPL options: Fans’ choice

The Supreme Court appointed Lodha committee has pronounced its verdict on the IPL betting scandal.

Two teams, Chennai Super Kings (CSK) and Rajasthan Royals (RR), have been suspended for two years.

Their principals, Raj Kundra and Gurunath Meiyappan, have been handed out life-time bans from any cricketing activity.

Where does this leave the IPL, specifically IPL 9?

There exist three options that the BCCI can exercise:

1> Restrict the competition to six teams and re-negotiate contracts that expect eight teams to take part with their supporting sponsors. The reduced revenue to the BCCI should act as a punitive spur to promote transparency, integrity and probity in the running of the league. Given the current format, the number of matches would be reduced to 34. A simple tweaking of the rules and each team can play the other three times instead of two. This would increase the number of games to 49. Though substantially less than 60, this would ensure a much shorter, tighter IPL. The third game can be played at neutral venues, specifically at Chennai and Jaipur. After all, why should local cricket fans suffer for their franchises’ moral rectitude?

2>  Retain the suspended teams and either have the owners unload the franchises or have the BCCI take over the reins for the suspension period. Valuations  have plummeted and the said franchises can be had  at bargain prices by interested parties. The latter entails a conflict of interest but does the BCCI care? It never did when it had N Srinivasan at the helm.

Kochi Tuskers Kerala (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

3> The final solution would be to hold fresh auctions for one or two franchises. This depends. Can Kochi Tuskers and the BCCI arriving at an understanding about the Kerala team’s return to the IPL fold? The players of suspended teams would be made available to these ‘fresh‘ franchises. CSK and RR can return after serving out their sentence. The BCCI would then have 10 IPL ‘subsidiaries‘ as originally envisioned. The format can be jiggled once more to include two groups of five teams each, ensuring a total of 44 games in all.

These are, of course, the options available to the IPL governing committee.

What is  the best course of action?

The Indian cricket fan is disillusioned with the way the IPL is now governed. Yes, its glitz and glamour and  viewer-friendly format, sound and color have attracted fresh eyeballs to the game.

But is this truly a professionally run league?

Options 2 and 3 seem like ‘business-as-usual‘. “Yes, the Supreme Court has rapped us—the BCCI—yes, we are the cynosure of attention of the sporting world who are aghast that a league considered the forerunner of the mushrooming T20 leagues across the world with a model that was copied  and followed is brought to its knees by corruption charges once more.”

The above options, while not benefiting the BCCI to the extent it envisioned when it conceptualized the league, especially with depressed valuations, will seem to discerning fans that the administrative body does not really foresee the reforms needed to overhaul the existing system.

Yes, it takes sponsors, advertisers and televising partners’ interests into account but does it really serve the public, the people who support the game through thick and thin? What happens when this very demographic turns against their beloved cricketers?

Leagues for other sports such as kabaddi, soccer, hockey and tennis are vying for viewer attention. Can the BCCI afford to turn a blind eye to fans’ sentiments?

In my opinion, the best course of action is to play six teams. Let CSK and RR players sit out. The BCCI should force the owners to compensate them and pay out their dues for the rest of their contracts. The message is clear: “Keep your eyes and ears open for any hanky-panky in the league and inform the concerned authorities as soon as possible. Else you too (players) may have to bear the consequences.”

It also sends out a strong signal to the owners that the BCCI will not bail them out in any way either by playing caretaker or allowing them to dispose off their non-performing assets so easily. The BCCI is just one player—albeit the most important one—in this morass. The franchises owe their supporters accountability, transparency and honesty as well.

The IPL may well be a better and bigger place to work, play and be in after all the dust has settled. For now, the legal scrapping continues.

Shilpa Shetty announces soap opera on IPL (Satire)

Shilpa Shetty at the IIFA Awards (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

July 15, 2015, Mumbai:

Shilpa Shetty and her husband Raj Kundra announced the making of a soap opera for Indian television titled ‘IPL: Heroes to Zeroes‘.

At a glitzy affair attended by most of the bigwigs in Bollywood, the glamorous actress  said:

“S2 Global Productions will be producing a magnum opus on the Indian Premier League, that will begin with its inception in 2008 and end with the current denouement by the Supreme Court on the fate of teams Chennai Super Kings and Rajasthan Royals. It will attempt to present our side of the story—the IPL saga from the viewpoint of team owners and their travails and run-ins with the BCCI dictatorship. Raj and I will be portraying ourselves. My husband has always been fascinated with Bollywood and has always wondered if he could romance me onscreen. This is his golden opportunity.

Our friends in Bollywood, Preity Zinta, Shah Rukh Khan and Juhi Chawla have graciously consented to be a part of this venture and play themselves as well. Talks are on with Lalit Modi to have him play a stellar role in the series. His is indeed a unique role. He is both hero and villain. Indian television has never seen such a paradoxical character and we would love to have him on-board. We will be shooting all his scenes overseas and are willing to accommodate his travel schedule while meeting our requirements.

We would love to have Mr. N Srinivasan and his son-in-law Mr. Meiyappan shoot for us as well. But we hope the public understand if that’s not possible.”

English: Indian actress Preity Zinta (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ms. Shetty added:

“The production values for this series are lavish. We estimate that this will an even more expensive affair than Anil Kapoor’s 24. The show will be in Hindi and will be dubbed in the regional languages. We are also looking at international tie-ups for an English version of the series. The series will have several firsts. Each episode will be streamed live on a pay-per-view basis. The publicity will be conducted on social media only. We have a predilection for  Twitter and Instagram as our preferred vehicles of choice.

We also hope that our out-of-work IPL crew and team-members will join us. We have starring roles of every member of the CSK and RR franchises. This is our way of ensuring that they do not feel left out in any way. We also have bit roles for the various team cheerleaders and hope that some of them can go on to bigger roles as item girls in Bollywood films. IPL anchors such as Archana Vijay and Shibani Dandekar are also being sought to be narrators for different seasons of the soap.

While we do have screen writers for the scenes and dialogues, the twists and turns in the plot write themselves. Truth in this case is stranger than fiction and we have no qualms in courting it.”

Mr. Raj Kundra said:

“This is a big bet for us. It can make or break our production house.”

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. While the personalities are real , all facts are made up and any resemblance to any persons living or dead is purely coincidental. But you knew that, didn’t you?

Roger Federer can win another Slam provided…

I’m quite chuffed with how the camera coped, considering we were quite far back and I was lacking in tripod! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Every time he makes a Grand Slam final nowadays, his fans go wild with delirium believing that an 18th Grand Slam is inevitable. Yet, the man comes up short. In 2014, it was Djokovic in five sets at Wimbledon.

This year, it was the Serbian again in four sets.

The Swiss last won a Grand Slam in 2012, beating Novak Djokovic and Andy Murray in succession to clinch the title. It was also the year he was last ranked No. 1.

It is this ability to clinch Slams that has eroded over the years. The 17-time-champion no longer can produce the tennis required to beat the rest of the Big Four when it matters, where it matters, in successive best-of-five encounters.

This is unlikely to change as age catches up with one the modern greats of the game.

That is the bad news.

The good news is that he is not the only one suffering a loss in invincibility.

Nadal ceded his domination over the French Open this year losing to Djokovic who in turn surrendered his chance at a Career Slam by losing to Fedex’s fellow countryman Stanislas Wawrinka in the final.

That is the other piece of good news. Novak, if Roger can’t beat you, Wawrinka surely must.

Murray is not quite among the invincibles. Yet, he is a potent force on the comeback trail.

For Roger to win another Slam, the draw must be favorable enough to have him encounter just one of the above three at any stage in the tournament and preferably not the Djoker.

This is the blueprint for (immediately) imminent Grand Slam success for the Original Man.

AFI, anti-competition and road races in India – II

You can read the first part here.

The AFI—whatever its intentions—has few friends in the running community.

Right from 2010, when the AFI denied the Sunfeast World 10K permission claiming that it would disrupt the training of athletes for the Commonwealth and Asian games, the national federation has continued to rub race organizers the wrong way.

Even then, the Association of International Marathons & Distance Races (AIMS) slammed the AFI’s decision as arbitrary and contrary to the interests of the sport.

What is the role of the AFI in these races?

“The AFI is supposed to help in the technical conduct of the races which comes under their official purview,besides providing a list of the elite Indian athletes for the race.They dont do it for free,of course.The officials are paid for their services by the organizers.”

In 2014, Adille Sumariwalla objected to the Bengaluru Midnight Marathon terming it “illegal”.

The AFI head went further this time criticizing the participation of foreign athletes.

“They cannot take part in illegal events. If they do, they can be booked and arrested under Foreign Exchange Management Act-1999 (FEMA). We have informed the Karnataka State Athletics Association to alert the local authorities.”

Mr. Sumariwalla is a former athlete representing India at the 1980 Moscow games and ought to be able to understand that athletics, like other sports in India except cricket, enjoys step-motherly treatment.

If these races with their burgeoning prize money allow athletes to make a living from the sport, given the aid they receive from the parent body and their employers rarely cover their training and living expenses, the obvious question is why not?

What the AFI should and can do is have athletes adhere to a plan wherein they are able to mix-and-match their training and participation in road races in a judicious manner so that they peak in time for the international events they would be participating in.

The AFI cannot prevent elite runners from making a cost-benefit analysis of their own as to what their remuneration and perceived rewards from participating in various competitions are. It’s not just the prize money that lures these athletes, it’s the guaranteed appearance fee as well. What the AFI needs to understand, is that it cannot be the sole arbiter of its athletes’ destiny.  Theirs is a partnership that needs to be nurtured taking into account both circumstances and fiscal needs.

It would not surprise me in the least that the diktat issued by the AFI against its athletes would be deemed anti-competitive and struck down in the interests of all concerned.

Sport in India is changing and attracting more interest at all levels; it’s time the national sports federations recognized this and moved with the times.