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Formula One, fun, humor, India, News, Racing, satire, sports

Vijay Mallya ‘un-craps’ Bernie Ecclestone (Humour)


I’m not a Formula One fan. I don’t watch the sport on television. It’s booooring.

I see no point in watching one or two cars lead the rest of the field by a wide margin, where the only exciting part is how long each driver spends at a pit-stop. Pit-stops are a science and an art and the team’s mechanics its heroes. It is a sport where the engines maketh the winner and the only skill  and challenge in the sport is deciding which tires to use in inclement weather.

There is very little overtaking on the track happening and to watch 60-odd laps hoping such an eventuality occurs is an exercise in futility.

Vijay Mallya lit up the Grand Prix-es with his retort to Bernie Ecclestone’s comment that he has a “crappy product to sell“.

English: Vijay Mallya, Chairman, UB Group, Ind...

English: Vijay Mallya, Chairman, UB Group, India, participates in a panel discussion on tourism at the World Economic Forum’s India Economic Summit 2008 in New Delhi, 16-18 November 2008. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Uncrap it,” responds the man who left his Kingfisher Airlines employees, creditors and shareholders standing in loads of (you know it, here it comes) excrement.

According to Mallya , the poop has to be sustainable.

He said:

“The most important thing is to ensure the sustainability of all teams in Formula One. If that is addressed, as it should be addressed, even the small independent teams can be competitive. If Williams beats Ferrari, it’s exciting. If Force India can beat Mercedes, that is the cherry on the cake!”

Matthew Carter of Lotus complains that to win at shit you have to spend more money.

His exact words:

“To win or get near the podium is pretty much related to how much money you spend. If the technical rules and regulations can be loosened and allow smaller teams to come up with something that isn’t immediately copied by bigger teams, it goes back to the ethos of Formula One. “

Clare Williams of Williams would like to see more people talk positively about stools.

“I watched F1 years ago and thought ‘these cars are amazing, these drivers are fantastic’. And they still are, and we have to remember that. I would like to see more people talking positively about the sport, it’s about pulling together. We should not forget it is an amazing sport. “

Eddie Jordan of the BBC would like fecal matter to be noisy.

“Noise in F1 is something I grew up with and I miss it. I thought noise was an important part of the show and I will always think that. My bigger concern is the engine rule change, particularly the costs. We have to make more heroes in F1 and make the show more appealing globally.”

Mallya additionally wants more positive coverage for feculence.

“Formula One is perhaps the most exciting sport in the world. If Formula One is made sustainable for all participants I think the negativity will be removed.

If the stability of all participants in Formula One is addressed as a matter of priority we will have more exciting racing and we will get a lot more positive media.”

Well, this certainly isn’t it.

PS: Bernie Ecclestone proof-read this piece. His suggestion: Replace ‘Formula One’ with ‘crap’ everywhere.

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About LINUS FERNANDES

I have been an IT professional with over 12 years professional experience. I'm an B.Sc. in Statistics, M.Sc in Computer Science (University of Mumbai) and an MBA from the Cyprus International Institute of Management. I'm also a finance student and have completed levels I and II of the CFA course. Blogging is a part-time vocation until I land a full-time position. I am also the author of three books, Those Glory Days: Cricket World Cup 2011, Best of Googli Hoogli and Poems: An Anthology, all available on Amazon Worldwide.

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