humor

Simon Taufel, Asad Rauf and Kumar Dharmasena retire from Test cricket (Satire)

Elite umpires, Simon Taufel and Asad Rauf, and International Umpire Kumar Dharmasena have announced their retirement from Test cricket with immediate effect.

The umpires complain of fatigue in the longer version of the game.

“Standing for 6 hours or more for five consecutive days and having to focus on every ball is extremely taxing for body and mind.” said Simon Taufel.

Dimitri Mascarenhas selected for game versus Middlesex by SL (Satire)

 

In a surprise move, Farveez Maharoof and Dimitri Mascarenhas have been named in the Sri Lankan squad that plays Middlesex at Uxbridge from May 14-16, 2011 in the first warm-up game of the tour.

While Maharoof is currently contracted out to Lancashire, the naming of Mascarenhas has come like a ‘bolt out of the blue’.

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Guidelines introduced for Pakistani cricketers’ agents (Satire)

(With apologies to the Express Tribune)

Bookies and ‘matka’ kings in India have reacted swiftly to the guidelines introduced by the Pakistan Cricket Board for agents of cricketers.

Steps have been taken to nullify every step taken by the Pakistani cricketing body, by simply mirroring the PCB’s moves.

“PCB has now made it mandatory for all agents to get themselves registered with it”

—The Association of Bookies and Matka Kings (ABMK) have made it mandatory for agents to get themselves registered with them—unofficially, of course.

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Bruce Wayne aka Batman sues the BCCI (Satire)

Bruce Wayne aka Batman flew in to  Mumbai, the other day on a fact-finding misison.

“Tell me,” he asked the cabbie hailed at Sahar airport, “what is this cricket and IPL all about?”

The cabbie looked at him incredulously.

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Liz Hurley and Sakshi Dhoni promote WAGS IPL (Satire)

Quick on the heels of Anjum Chopra’s request to the BCCI to hold an IPL for women cricketers, the premier sports administrative body in the country received another appeal— this time for an IPL constituting wives and girlfriends (WAGS) of cricketers.

The move is spearheaded by Australian spinner Shane Warne’s current love interest, Elizabeth Hurley and MS Dhoni’s wife, Sakshi.

What they said, meant and definitely didn’t: A B De Villiers

What he said:

“I really can’t pin-point anything that we are doing wrong except for bad fielding, bad bowling and bad batting.”

A.B. De Villiers on the problems with the Royal Challengers Bangalore team.

What he meant:

“We’re not playing cricket, really!”

What he definitely didn’t:“It was a team dare. Can we play worse than the television experts comment? I guess, we did.”

Nita Ambani to utilize Wankhede boxes to host RIL AGMs (Satire)

Reliance Industries and Aditya Birla group will host their annual general meetings (AGMs) and extraordinary general meetings (EGMs)  at the newly renovated Wankhede stadium from 2011 onwards.

“For the next 10 years, shareholder meetings will be held at the cricket stadium. You see, Mukesh Ambani wishes to make optimum utilization of his three boxes secured from the Mumbai Cricket Association (MCA).” said Mr. Phanketilal Patel, Mukesh Ambani’s closest chamcha.

The meetings will be conducted at the stadium to ensure that the most people can be accommodated.

What they said and what they definitely didn’t mean: Shane Warne

What he said:

“New Estee Lauder moisturisers for my skin have made a big difference.”

Shane Warne on his new rejuvenated appearance.

What he definitely didn’t mean or say:

“It’s better than using old-fashioned Vaseline on the ball. It’s two for the price of one.”

“They’re actually borrowed from Liz (Hurley). I feel I need it more than her.”

“Estee Lauder have requested me to be their product spokesperson. (At least, not yet.)”

“I can’t say I’m looking older, can I? Never turn away a compliment, my mother always told me.”

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Saina Nehwal talks to Sania Mirza about skirting an issue (Satire)

Sania Mirza woke up late last evening to a call on her mobile.

Ms. Saina Nehwal, India’s ace shuttler, was on the other end.

“Sania didi, I need your help. It’s urgent.”

“Hey Saina, how are you? How’s it going? Congratulations on your Swiss Grand Prix win.”

“Thank you. Thank you very much.”

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Jose Mourinho will stay silent to Real Madrid journalists (Satire)

Jose Mourinho, enfant terrible, has been disciplined for his extraordinary press conference following Real Madrid’s 1-1 draw against Barcelona on April 16, 2011.

The fiery coach completely ignored Madrid journalists and answered questions only from Barcelona-accredited reporters and members of the international press.