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Tennis Bytes: Barcelona,Julia Goerges and 2 year rankings

You  think that maybe he’s vulnerable , that maybe, just maybe, the challenge of Djokovic and the younger brigade is too much to push back; it’s just too much pressure to hold on but then along comes clay season, and Rafael Nadal rises to the occasion, undulating effortlessly to the top.

“You can’t touch me here, I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee” is what the Majorcan sings out, scything through the field like a knife through melted butter.

This Sunday, it was the Barcelona Open making it two out of two for the Spaniard on his favourite surface this year.

Once again, it was his compatriot David Ferrer who succumbed to the No. 1’s might.

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SRK, KKR and Kajol, Rani and Bipasha at the IPL (Humour)

Shah Rukh Khan is at the end of his tether.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, will convince Dada fans that SRK  loves Sourav Ganguly (and Bengalis) and that’s why he let him go.

Slashing the price of tickets for forthcoming KKR games has not quite had the desired effect as evidenced by fan reaction on the team web-site.

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Simon Taufel, Asad Rauf and Kumar Dharmasena retire from Test cricket (Satire)

Elite umpires, Simon Taufel and Asad Rauf, and International Umpire Kumar Dharmasena have announced their retirement from Test cricket with immediate effect.

The umpires complain of fatigue in the longer version of the game.

“Standing for 6 hours or more for five consecutive days and having to focus on every ball is extremely taxing for body and mind.” said Simon Taufel.

Dimitri Mascarenhas selected for game versus Middlesex by SL (Satire)

 

In a surprise move, Farveez Maharoof and Dimitri Mascarenhas have been named in the Sri Lankan squad that plays Middlesex at Uxbridge from May 14-16, 2011 in the first warm-up game of the tour.

While Maharoof is currently contracted out to Lancashire, the naming of Mascarenhas has come like a ‘bolt out of the blue’.

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Guidelines introduced for Pakistani cricketers’ agents (Satire)

(With apologies to the Express Tribune)

Bookies and ‘matka’ kings in India have reacted swiftly to the guidelines introduced by the Pakistan Cricket Board for agents of cricketers.

Steps have been taken to nullify every step taken by the Pakistani cricketing body, by simply mirroring the PCB’s moves.

“PCB has now made it mandatory for all agents to get themselves registered with it”

—The Association of Bookies and Matka Kings (ABMK) have made it mandatory for agents to get themselves registered with them—unofficially, of course.

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Random cricketing thoughts on the IPL and beyond

The Ducksworth-Lewis method of calculating second-innings totals has come under the scanner.Mahela Jayawardene and Stephen Fleming criticised the system as being ‘unfair’ and not really suited to T20 cricket.

Brickbats are justified since T20 is a racier, pacier form of cricket compared to ODIs, which are in comparison relatively sedate.

Franchise owners, at the IPL auctions, took player availability into account while making their selections. No team wished to have key players missing during the critical part of the tournament.

You should know: Police bandobast bill

The security arrangements by the Mumbai police for the World Cup matches at Wankhede cost the Mumbai Cricket Association  Rs. 3 crores.

Nita Ambani to utilize Wankhede boxes to host RIL AGMs (Satire)

Reliance Industries and Aditya Birla group will host their annual general meetings (AGMs) and extraordinary general meetings (EGMs)  at the newly renovated Wankhede stadium from 2011 onwards.

“For the next 10 years, shareholder meetings will be held at the cricket stadium. You see, Mukesh Ambani wishes to make optimum utilization of his three boxes secured from the Mumbai Cricket Association (MCA).” said Mr. Phanketilal Patel, Mukesh Ambani’s closest chamcha.

The meetings will be conducted at the stadium to ensure that the most people can be accommodated.

What they said and what they definitely didn’t mean: Shane Warne

What he said:

“New Estee Lauder moisturisers for my skin have made a big difference.”

Shane Warne on his new rejuvenated appearance.

What he definitely didn’t mean or say:

“It’s better than using old-fashioned Vaseline on the ball. It’s two for the price of one.”

“They’re actually borrowed from Liz (Hurley). I feel I need it more than her.”

“Estee Lauder have requested me to be their product spokesperson. (At least, not yet.)”

“I can’t say I’m looking older, can I? Never turn away a compliment, my mother always told me.”

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Jose Mourinho will stay silent to Real Madrid journalists (Satire)

Jose Mourinho, enfant terrible, has been disciplined for his extraordinary press conference following Real Madrid’s 1-1 draw against Barcelona on April 16, 2011.

The fiery coach completely ignored Madrid journalists and answered questions only from Barcelona-accredited reporters and members of the international press.